May 29

I’ve been thinking about the mainstream these days and I’ve come to a conclusion.  It is my belief that television serves to attempt to define normal to mainstream America, while movies try to spotlight that which is deemed unusual.

I was never really able to relate to much on television.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the shows that I watched, but never were they something that I could say “Yeah, I’ve been there“.  Even movies, though, spotlighting those unusual people and unusual situations were few and far between that I could directly relate to.
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May 27

Wrote for an hour and the program stopped responding.

Good grief, it is now *officially* Ordeal Week.  Dammit!

Eventually I will talk about how  HOLY CRAP, dude, he was on FIRE.    For now we will say nothing more than Bully Hill makes a cheap, but tasty wine; Jason R0XX0RS!  for the little stupid things; and holy crap he was on FIRE!

*sigh*

Some of the things I was saying were important…  and poignant.  Worth attempting to write again for sure.  Tonight, though, it’s time to sleep off the cheap red wine and attempt to not have a clusterfuck of tomorrow.

Just a minor note, for the record…

I like it when you voyeurs come out of the woodwork.  Comment, people, I like to know where those hits are coming from.

~FG };^>

May 27

Snotty as it sounds, it’s totally true.  I don’t really do voice mail/answering machine (do people still have those?!) messages.  I listen to them, I reply to them, but I rarely, if ever, leave them.  Usually, if I do it’s because I’ve already called a couple of times and in these days of Caller ID, I might as well tell you WHY I just tried to call 5 times, even if it was a stupid reason.
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May 27

This is an incredibly interesting article about how human emotional connections have led to the evolution and cultivation of pretty flowers.

I kid you not.  Fascinating read.

~FG };^>

May 26

It still hasn’t stopped raining.  I can feel it in my mood.  I usually like the rain, at the very least I don’t mind it, but this rain just compounds all the other crap that is going on.

This week I have been mourning and grieving, worrying, dealing with the fuck-ups of others, I’ve been blown off, I’ve been stood up and I really want to pick a fight with someone, anyone at this point.
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May 23

I have come to realize that these days I am desperately seeking distractions from whatever real things are going on in my life.  Working insane hours and exhausting myself, fighting with a very close friend (although “fighting” seems like quite the understatement) and peeving at another, death touching my life, it all just wears on me.

Amanda told me the other day that she had never seen me be *such* a girl about a boy before.  Probably because I never so much needed the distraction.  It’s a relief to let myself yammer on and on about something silly that, in the grand scheme of things, makes little to no difference at all.  Even when I am worrying or sad or frustrated, I can take comfort in the fact that, as of right now, none of that matters.  The things that do matter, the drama and the pain, those are the things I know I can’t avoid, they are the things I know I can’t get rid of, but sometimes I just need a break from the drama.

I have tried so hard for so long to rid myself of messy drama and *just* when I think it’s gone, it comes tearing right back again.

I am so tired.  I am completely worn out emotionally.  I haven’t yet shut off, I haven’t become entirely cold or emotionally stunted, but I’m starting to become afraid that it will hit me again soon.  It’s a pattern that I fall into periodically, but I don’t particularly want to do that again.

They say that things like deaths or births or marriages happen in threes.  I don’t know if I truly believe that, but I am superstitious enough to be rather on edge waiting for another one to come down the pipes, since this month has brought two that touched me to varying degrees.

Throwing myself into my music with the goal of performing again.  It’s the only distraction that seems to work at all right now.  Hopefully it will be my lasting lifeline to sanity, because right now I feel pretty on edge.  I’m not wanting to walk off the cliff of despair, but this middle ground isn’t really the best place for a picnic either.

Dammit!  And I had such a nice week last week.  At least I can say that things were happy and light right up to the moment I learned about what this week would bring.

You know, the rain doesn’t help any.

~FG };^/

May 17

Thanks to Belit for permission to use her words here  (originally posted on the Stratics Off-Topic Forum):

Revelations and Generalizations:

GENERATION X

Sounds so blah. Doesn’t it? It’s no wonder why most of our generation is so damned apathetic. But it’s bigger than that.

We are the generation stuck between the “Save the World” 80′s and the “Lookin’ out for Number 1″ 90′s. We were the first exposed to the opening of closets and people loud and proud about their sexual orientation. We have been bombarded with information that all previous generations wish they knew at our age.. so make sure to forcefeed the next generations!
We have witnessed the fall of televised christianity. And then people wonder why we are more apt to follow non traditional religions. He have been burnt out before we even got a chance to try.

We are the information age. We are the generation if instant gratification. If it can’t be done in five minutes, we don’t want it. It’s like I try to explain to my hubby… he is a conventioal oven, I am a microwave. He is slow, and deliberate and patient. I need to have it done yesterday, and I have very limited patients that is usually reserved only for my children. We have seen the aspects of war that most people cringe, and to us, it is no big deal. We live in the age medical miracles. We know that if we go into the hospital for a major surgery, we are going to wake up in a few hours and be fine. We have become numb to most, if not all sorts of violence. It is shoved in our faces every day. It doesn’t matter if we want it or not, it’s there.

We have been pushed and pulled in all directions by the folks who “know what is the best” for us. We haven’t really been allowed to make our own mistakes and learn from them. So you wonder why we are so immature about certain aspects of life. You wonder why we make so much noise, but do so little about it. You wonder why we don’t want to grow up and why most of us refuse to.

I am not making excuses for anyone, especialy not myself. I do not make excuses for myself, nor do I appologize when I know I am right. I am just trying to make my voice heard. Are my words falling on deaf ears? I hope not.

Me too, Belit.  Making your voice heard is so important for people of our generation and yet it’s something we don’t do nearly enough of.  The defining points in our upbringing and in our childhoods were watching the radicals of the previous generation sell-out and focus on money.  We watched the Challenger explode and the space program (or at least the public interest in it) peter out.  We learned from the children of the 60′s that even with the best intentions, you cannot change the world, at least not for the better, and even if you succeed a little bit, not for very long.  We learned from our parents that they would fall into the same lines of thinking as their parents did, judging our music and hairstyles and clothing styles harshly and we learned that when we became parents we would do the same things.

We watched as AIDS was discovered and named and we watched a child of our generation, Ryan White, die from this virtually unknown disease.  We listened in our classrooms as our teachers explained the importance of condom usage and then watched on the news as the politicians explained to our parents that easy access to such important things was inappropriate for people too young or too self-conscious to go to a drug store and buy them.

We watched as our peers attempted suicide in numbers that infected pop culture and made the news.  We watched our peers become teen mothers in greater numbers.  There was still shame, but less stigma.  No longer were these young women sent away, they remained in our classes with us and then disappeared to have/raise the baby.  We watched as our parents divorced with alarming frequency.

We watched as the world changed drastically around us, through no doing of our own.  We heard stories of the changes directly affected by our parents, but, as far as I can tell, we didn’t reap any benefits from that. 

We are MTV, we are cable, we are cordless phones and pagers, we are early computers.  What defines our generation is nothing we’ve actually done, but the things that were done around us, as Belit states, at a rapid pace.  Things changed faster than our parents could keep up, but we could, and we did, but we did nothing to create it or to even coax it, we were always just along for the ride.

We learned that everything has to be newer, better, faster, NOW and, for the most part, we are often impatient over everything.  So much changed in our world as we grew and now that we are grown we have come to expect that these things will, no, should still be changing at the pace we choose.

We take things for granted that should shock us, but we take them in stride.  We are jaded and bitter, but accepting.  We all know that we won’t likely see a dime of our hard-earned Social Security, but we’ve known that for a while.  We will care for the larger number of people in the previous generation, but we do not expect that the generation behind us will do the same for us…  I think most of us doubt that it would ever even cross their minds.

We are a small generation of watchers.  We grew up hearing that one day we would run the world, and maybe we will, but we won’t do it alone, and we will still be the minority.  We gather wisdom from witnessing and judging that which goes on around us.  It’s not that we’re apathetic, it’s that we’re powerless, and even if we’re not, we’ve been made to feel so, simply because we have had NO SAY in the changes in the world for as long as we’ve been around.

So we accept things.  We watch things going on around us.  We pay attention to the world and do what little we can to feel like we’re contributing, but what we’re really doing is watching.

We are the babysitters.  We will tell anyone who is willing to listen exactly what’s going on and why.  We accept that no one will listen and that our hands are tied, but we will continue to talk about it until it makes some difference.

In some ways I feel like we’re the ones who really know what’s going on.  For good or bad, for conservative or liberal, for peace or war, we’re watching.

Isn’t that nice to know?

Doesn’t that make you paranoid?

~FG };^>

May 17

I have a penchant for melodrama.  I also have tendencies to overreact on a regular basis.

It is not the end of the world, it never was, and even though I sort of was acting/feeling like it was, I always knew it wasn’t.  It’s just the way I operate.
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May 14

Broken hearted.  He didn’t call.  I don’t want to go out by myself anymore.

This sucks all around.

I just want to cry.

Here, have an excerpt from my latest song:

Nobody ever lives happily ever after
Those words from fairy tales, they only feed our dreams
And so we fall asleep with visions of Prince Charming
But in the real world, who really knows what that means.

~FG };`^<

May 13

*sigh*

(The above *sigh* should by now indicate to you that I will be crushing for the remainder of this post.  Feel free to stop reading now ;-) )

Lisa said “*thump thump…  thump thump*” (yes, she’s picking up on the asterisks thing) when I came back in from smoking with my crush, but she didn’t yet understand that it was a fairly awkward situation, rather than a heart-thumping one.
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