Campfyre Stories

I think that title is probably an oxymoron, but oh well.  Stolen from pumaviking.

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I went outside to smoke a cigarette and saw several men standing there looking up.  I think it’s just in human nature to, when you see people posed in an unnatural angle, mimic the pose to see what they’re looking at.  Obviously it’s going to be something interesting or unusual.

There was a hawk (presumably female) perched near the edge of the tallest point of my building.  There was a second hawk (I think the one from Tuesday) flying around the building.  They were screaming and squawking at each other in what very much sounded like an argument (though I do not speak hawk, so I don’t know for sure).  The settled (female?) one was not letting my little friend get close enough to land on her area of the building.  She had a rather protective stance and pose to her, so I’m thinking there might be eggs or chicks, but I don’t know enough about hawks or their mating/egg-laying periods.

It explains why the hawk was there the other day, but I still am wondering about why they are *here*.  I think I need to find out if hawks tend to be portents of specific things.  If this is a sign or an omen that I should heed or if it’s just a couple of random hawks who happened to make camp on my building and just wanted to meet some of their neighbors…

Still feeling immune to weird here.

Edit:  Princess totally rocks!

Hawk Totem Guide

Animal totem: Hawk

Pretty fitting, no?  Especially when you factor in that I just started meditating in order to find new clarity…

These days I am seriously lamenting the lack of my computer.  I have some very cool pictures that I want to upload, but I don’t have the hard drive to save the pics or the computer to synch the Treo.  Blah.  My stories would be so much more easy to grasp with pictures…  ah well, they are coming.

I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday and she kept telling me how bizarre these certain things were.  I realized that I don’t really see things that way anymore.  I take for granted the things that other people rarely, if ever see.  I have become so accustomed to things that are out-of-the-ordinary happening to or around me so regularly that I often fail to be amazed by them.  I’ll give you an example.

The bus that drops me off in front of my building does not come onto the company campus in the late afternoon, so I have to walk to the bus stop.  Directly in front of the campus is a highway circle, so to get across I have to essentially cross the same highway twice - once on each side of the circle.

I walk around the outside of the campus to a concrete ramp, go up and across a bridge.  This leads me to a very dark, but fairly short tunnel.  The tunnel is covered in a good bit of excellent and artful graffiti, but since it’s dark and the light shines in the other end, it’s a little creepy and sometimes it feels like a passage into another world…  and what a world it is.  When you emerge from the tunnel on the other side, there is all kinds of greenery coming up over the sides of the path.  To one side is a huge weeping willow and the other side has a grassy hillside.  (Keep in mind that this is next to the highway circle).  The exit to the tunnel has vines coming up and down all around the entryway.  It looks like something you would read described in a novel, but it’s in the downtown area of a local city.  The greenery lasts until you get to the official bridge part to cross the last piece of highway and then leads to a branch-covered, tree lined path that winds down and dumps you out right at an entrance to the highway.  Lots of cars, very busy, as downtown as you could expect.

I really wish I had a way to put the pictures up, but they will have to wait.

Now this, in and of itself is unusual, especially since most of the people I know who are intimately familiar with the area have never heard of nor seen this path, but it got even stranger yesterday. 

I was walking with a friend and as we came out of the tunnel, a hawk landed on the bridge, right where the greenery ends.  The flapping wings in the bushes were what we first noticed and, at first, I thought it was a large bird catching something or fighting something.  My friend thought it was an owl, but upon closer look we saw it was a large hawk who had apparently come down just to say hello.  Out came Daisy and the hawk posed for a couple of pictures, letting me come as close as I dared to get the shots before he flew off, going about his business.

The thing was, though, that my friend was astounded and kept commenting about it for almost an hour.  "I can’t believe it…  that was amazing."  To me, though, this is the sort of thing I see regularly.  I can certainly believe it, even if it isn’t something you see everyday, because, almost every single day I see something that you don’t see every day.  While it was the most interesting thing that happened yesterday, it was by no means the most interesting thing I’ve seen all month, it was just a cool experience, especially to share with someone else.

There is a certain child-like wonder that a lot of people find when unusual things happen to or around them.  They are reminded of how many things they take for granted and how these very cool, strange things can happen from time to time.  I’m not sure if I’m jaded to them, but I think it’s more that I try to live every moment in child-like wonder.  I don’t take this other-worldly path for granted, even if I do walk it regularly.  I get this incredible feeling of having a secret every time I step out of the tunnel, and sometimes my imagination runs wild with the ideas of how one could be transported to a parallel universe in a similar situation.  I didn’t ignore the beauty of the hawk or dismiss it, but it didn’t astound me as this amazing experience…  I have them too often for me to think of them as amazing.

In one of the Sandman graphic novels, two characters are having a discussion.  (Paraphrased)

Do you believe in magic?

Not really, but that’s not really what you’re asking.  You want to know if I believe in weird shit.  I kind of have to, I’ve had a weird shit kind of life.

Yeah, weird shit, that’s a good way to describe it.

Me too, honey.  I’ve had a weird shit kind of life.  You acknowledge it, but when it keeps happening around every corner you turn, you stop noticing how weird it actually is and adapt your psyche to go with the flow.

Words just don’t do it justice.  I need to get my computer back so I can post pictures and better convey the experience.

It would not be an unfair assessment to say that my social nature moves in cycles.  I find that from time to time I withdraw into the safety of my crysallis, usually, but not always by choice, for periods of time while I rejuvinate.  Sometimes it’s situational and out of my direct control and I am forcilbly withdrawn from my socialization, sometimes I just need to withdraw from the overwhelming nature of being constantly on the move lest I burn out completely.

After recovering from the intensity that is inherently birthday week, I find myself emerging once again as the summer draws to a close.  My next 4 days will find me scattered and butterflying about.

Tonight I look at apartments.  I am going into this with a clean slate, having found some clarity and grounding recently and looking at it as round 1.  I don’t expect that today will be THE day, but it’s a numbers game in a lot of ways.  The more reasonable places I look at, the better my chances of finding the right one.  Since I will already be in town, I intend to spend some time with my family afterward.

Tomorrow is my day of embracing and effecting my own changes.  I am keeping this mostly to myself, though being as horrible as I am about keeping my own secrets, I have let a few people in on the plan - specifically the people who are closest to me, but long-distance, two people who were most available when I was bursting to share this information and the one person who literally needed to know.  Some are upset that I won’t disclose my plans, but once it’s over with, everyone will know…  it simply won’t be a secret come Saturday.

Saturday will be a day like I haven’t had in far too long.  It will start with the traditional birthday brunch, which will be a very nice thing.  I do like when my birthday extends past the Birthday Week thing.  From there we hit the end-of-summer annual street fair, Lark Fest.  I love LarkFest second only to the Tulip Fest.  The hippest street in the city gets closed off from end to end and people party all through the day.  There are street merchants and live music and wonderful food, but the best part, for me, is running into the people I don’t see regularly and having a chance to catch up.  But LarkFest can cause major burnout if I stay too long, so keeping me from overextending myself there is the party that I’m headed to immediately after.  This will likely continue into the wee hours of the morning, so I’ve already made arrangements to stay at my mother’s, so I don’t have to worry about making my way home.

If all that weren’t enough, I was pouting at Ed last night, lamenting that we haven’t had a poker night in AGES.  So he told me to make it go.  Thrown together at the last minute, as Poker Night almost always is, Sunday will be an evening of poker.

You know, it’s funny.  When I type it out, when I read it, it looks exhausting and it even makes me a little tired to think about it or write about it, but the reality is I think this is going to be an energizing weekend rather than one that wipes me out.

It has been far too long.

I’ve done a lot of hard thinking these past couple of weeks, but also in the past couple of days.  One of the things that I’ve come to is that it was obviously time for things to change, but since I didn’t (for whatever reason) make the changes myself, they came from external sources.  I think it’s time for me to make a go of regaining control over the chaos and turbulence.

If things are going to change whether I want/like it or not, then those changes should come from me.  I don’t just mean finding a new apartment, because this entire year (2006) has been about changes for me.  My divorce becoming final, getting my name back (oh yeah, did I mention, I legally got my name back…  well, I started anyway, my license has my maiden name again), new job, the whole apartment bullshit…  It’s been pretty incessant and it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop anytime soon.  Time to step in and start implementing changes that are within my control.  I think I’m going to leave this at that…  I don’t want to commit myself to too many things and I think some things should be surprises.

Some random things since I haven’t blogged in about a week…

This morning on my way into work, dawn was just breaking when it started to rain lightly.  Someone got on the bus, and I’m so glad he pointed it out - there was a rainbow against the sunrise.  The sky was purple and the rainbow was almost entirely red.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a rainbow when it was that dark outside - it was absolutely gorgeous and a wonderful way to start my day.  I also ran into an old co-worker of mine.  He’s someone that I run into periodically and never in ways/places I’m expecting.  He’s a good guy.  I enjoy the opportunity to catch up with him.

For me, there is nothing more relaxing than a nice, hot bath.  Well, ok, that’s kind of a lie.  More relaxing would be a nice hot bath, soft lighting with aromatic candles, the right soft music in the background and a good book, but that’s asking a bit much, I know.  So, on a mundane level, baths are my primary relaxation technique.  However, since I’ve been staying at Ed’s place, I haven’t wanted to take up that much time in the bathroom, I guess…  something like that, so it’s been showers, which aren’t nearly as gratifying, IMO.  Last night I had the place to myself and enough time to go ahead and relax.  Too bad I ran into one of those boy vs. girl situations.

First off, the tub is way small.  Honestly, as tall as Ed is, I can’t imagine him finding a tub that would be comfortable, but also, most men tend to prefer showering, and the shower is plenty roomy.  Second, there was no plug…  of course there wasn’t, boys don’t take baths.  But in a fit of MacGuyver-like ingenuity, I figured it all out and pulled it off.  And you know, I think that even having to think about it from the skewed perspective of "This is what I want, how do I make it work?" made the end result that much more satisfying.

It also reminded me that one of the things I look for in an apartment is a sizable, comfy bathtub.

Many of my birthday gifts this year centered around relaxation to some degree or another.  For someone like me, that can be fairly broad - books can be classified as relaxation-techniques depending on the book, as can movies.  To that end, I’m really trying to think about what I can do to just relax.  The high-stress I’ve been carrying around is not doing me much good…  even my complexion is suffering and that bothers me.

I don’t know, I feel like there are parts of me that have changed, inherently.  I don’t honestly know whether this is a good or bad thing.  Maybe neither, maybe both.  I kind of feel like I’ve lost certain parts of myself and I’m not sure that I miss them.  It’s like when you cut your hair after having it long for a good amount of time - you know it used to be there, you can almost feel it and no matter how much you like how the new cut looks, part of you misses that weight, or maybe not even misses, but you were used to it and now it’s gone.  Like that, I guess, only it’s not physical, it’s something in my personality.  I can’t seem to put my finger on it.

Oh well.  I don’t want to dwell on any of this stuff, I just wanted to put something out.  Not in an obligatory way to others, but when I don’t blog for a while I feel like I’m denying myself something…  the outlet, I guess.  So there it is.

Ok, checked out of the Super 8 this morning.  It’s been a long time since I stayed in a motel for any reason and it was kind of nice to have this measure of seclusion for a couple of days while I came down off this emotional roller coaster.  I suppose the only disappointment was the promises, promises I knew you’d never keep…  Ah well, I did know, but it was a fun fantasy to fall asleep with.  If only you knew, my dearest Wizard.  I *do* look good in green.

A very good friend of mine has kindly offered to let me stay in his second bedroom, which is a huge relief to me.  This gives me a place to sleep and shower while I plan my next moves and figure out what I need to do next and where I want to actually live.  Also, of course, making that happen…  which I think I can do in a reasonable amount of time.

There’s also a certain measure of relief in not having to be a mom for a little while.  Spawn has been on my last nerve through much of the move.  When things are good between us, they are very VERY good, but when they are bad they are horrid.  Right now I’m just fed up with the overall behavior that I don’t care to detail online and I’m tired of the whole excuse from other people that "He’s 13, this is just a selfish phase in his life".  You know what?  The kid was already selfish.  At 13 I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to expect him to step up when he’s needed.  Argh!  I need to drop that particular line of thought.

So it looks like there are more changes coming down the pipe…  at least possibilities of changes, anyway.  I don’t want to really say to much about that, since everything is really tentative, but my misery may not be/have been for nothing.  Only time will tell at this point, but I need to get busy trying to figure a couple of key points out.  If the possibilities turn into likelihoods then I’m going to have to reevaluate a whole lot of things…  More on that as it becomes a reality.

I keep thinking about that old Blues tune "Nobody knows you (when you’re down and out)".  Maybe I’ll look for a link some other time, I don’t know.  The thing is, I’ve found that to not actually be the case.  I mean, there are three people who are not members of my family who I would, at this point, forgive ANYTHING, simply because they came forward when I needed them most.  There have been a lot of people who have been integral to my getting through this move, and even getting through these next couple of weeks and I don’t even know how to begin to thank them.  I was really falling apart and a lot more people wound up seeing than than I usually allow to peek inside.  I don’t mean whatever I’m writing in the blog, I mean actually witnessing the breakdowns.  I just don’t let that happen.

I don’t know.  People keep telling me that there are lessons to learn and things that I need to take away from this.  I’m kind of getting tired of hearing it.  I tend to not be one to repeat my mistakes, so if nothing else that’s something I’ll be taking with me.  I don’t know, I’m still kind of reeling and trying to get my bearings.  It’s slow going, but I feel like I’m actually capable of getting through this now.

The worst is over, right?  I mean, it HAS to be…

Well here we go. My new “home” for the moment is the Super 8 Motel (Daisy doesn’t DO links).

I have some shoutoyts, but they’ll have to wait a little while. I busted ass.. now my whole bosy hurts except, ironically, my ass since I’ve done no sitting for I don’t know how many days.

For my birthday, my brother gave me a big ass bottle of really nice wine. I opened that tonight. Go me for resisting temptation and waiting until it was over.

I think I’m over feeling sorry for myself. I may not be finished crying just yet, though.

Send me email. Comment on my entries. Remind me that I matter… there are a very select few who kniw exactly how hopeless I’ve been feeling. Right now what I need is to know that I matter - to anyone. There are a whole lot of things I simply haven’t been capable of writing down just yet.

Well, now that the phone is dismantled, Daisy is the blogging outlet. Thank gods for the QWERTY keyboard.

Starting moving today. Still no place for me, but the cats have a place to go now. I had to get a UHaul storage space. Problem came in when I realized that my phone hadn’t charged - at all - last night.

So I had to go to the Mall because the other stores don’t have technicians on a regular basis and have a limited inventory. Take Daisy down and have her checked. They tell me that it’s going to be an hour to check it out.

Mom and I wait in the Mall for an hour. turns out it wasn’t Daisy, but the charger. Buy a new charger and , since I have the cash, replace the overall phone (but not the back cover which now has a kickass daisy sticker on it). The earpiece jack was broken and the casing cracked, so for only $55 it was time.

When I go to check out my check card gets declined. This has been a regular thing lately, but a second run usually takes care of it, so we run it again. Declined.

Fuck.

I run to the cash machine, wait FOR-EV-ER for the guy to come back.

And then I moved shit to storage. And then I packed more. And in the morning I send my cats to stay with someone else, and move more shit. Yeah…

Fuck about sums it up.

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