I think I really only have one friend who truly gives it to me straight. Maybe two. Most people tell you what it is they *think* you want to hear, but what I want to hear is the truth, even if it hurts sometimes. But I’ve learned that people treat others not the way they want to be treated, necessarily, but they way they expect to be treated in return.
We all do it to some extent, whether in the gifts we give or the ways we react to the problems of others. We give what we want hoping it will come back to us, but what we really get in return is what someone else wants. I suppose what that really means is that when you get to know someone and you learn what they want then you’ll understand what you’re going to get from them.
So I tell people what I think, when they ask, and when I’m worried that they’ll do something potentially harmful to themselves, I say something (never truly expecting them to not do whatever it is). A lot of people think that I’m going to come back with "I told you so", but I really do my best to avoid that. It really just adds insult to injury.
But I think that a lot of people who don’t say what they really think, or who keep their opinions fully to themselves WOULD say "I told you so" and, thus, expect it from me. I almost think that sometimes, some people are a little disappointed if I don’t.
So I’m the one where people say "Don’t tell Fyre…" (even though they usually tell me anyway, looking for that "mom reaction"), and I hear tell that some folks even go so far as to discuss what my likely reaction will be. Silly people. I get to hear the same judgements from people who don’t want to tell the other person, but feel the same way about the similar situation they are in. So I wind up saying all the "bad stuff" that no one else wants to. I don’t really mind, since people ask me what I think, and I feel I owe it to them to be honest about whatever it is.
I’ve often found myself in the role of the messenger. "So-and-so is making a HUGE mistake," someone will say, and I’ll be the only one willing to try to phrase it in a way they’ll actually hear, asking questions like "Have you thought about this aspect?" or "Do you remember when our mutual friend had a similar experience?" Not that it really does any good, but I’ve at least been able to do what I can to relieve myself of any possible guilt that could result from not having said anything at all.
Does it make me meddlesome? Perceived as such, at least, most certainly. I think of it as being a loyal friend and trying to protect those I care about. If it’s not received that way, I fully apologize.
The problem is, it’s totally a set up. "Don’t tell so-and-so" is a set up, as is "Well, I didn’t want to tell you because you would try to talk me out of it…" I don’t make life decisions for other people, even when they ask me to. If you want my opinion, I’ll give it. If you don’t, don’t ask me.
I got a phone call recently from a friend who decided not to tell me something, because she didn’t want me to "talk her out of it." She started it off with "I have this choice to make. These are my options and here are the drawbacks to both sides…" I assumed it was a request for an opinion, but I was wrong. It was an insulting statement of, "My logical mind tells me I am making a mistake and I know you’re going to see the problems, but I’ve made my decision and I refuse to hear what you have to say on the topic."
That is a setup. That is the point where you set me up to be the bad guy and set yourself up to hear "I told you so…" if, like you expect, things don’t work out. Well FUCK THAT. All that needed to be said was "My situation has changed in this way and this is the result of it." Why would anyone put a friend in a situation of "I’m asking for your opinion, but I already know what you think and I don’t give a shit."
I have to admit, the whole thing is incredibly insulting. It makes me feel like I’ve been thrust into a role I not only don’t deserve to be in, but I don’t enjoy it and it doesn’t suit me. I am not one to say those four HURTFUL words to people. I’m more likely to offer sympathy and support and, if it needs to be said, let it come from them.
I started writing this a long time ago, but I was never able to finish it up. It felt, though it had been going on for a while, like it was about a single instance spanning several people. At this point, it’s recurring enough for this particular entry to have been dragged out and edited several times.
I’m not the cause of or solution to life’s happiness or sorrow. The opinions I have are not going to change your life. Most of my friends call me up so that I can tell them what they already know, but need to hear out loud. To have that thrown back in my face… Well I might as well have been spit on.
I refuse to be, by circumstance, the root of someone’s problems. I refuse to be positioned to take on a role that I am not comfortable with. I refuse to have a situation twisted so that I am to blame for actions that someone took entirely on their own.
I refuse to say "I told you so…" Whether I did or not.
And if that means that I need to clean house and reevaluate the people that I have opened up to and allowed myself to think of as "friends", then that’s what it means. Because I simply cannot do this anymore.
I refuse.
