Campfyre Stories

I cannot wait to leave.  9 more days until I pick up my rental car (whatever they give me), pack all my and Spawn’s crap into it and head to a farm in the middle of nowhere for 5 days of music, dancing, sunshine, shopping, friends…  all that stuff.

Never mind that I have to confirm that someone is, actually, going to feed my cats.  Never mind that I still have to clean one more room of the house.  Never mind that this coming weekend is one where Spawn is home and I’ll have to follow him around with a bullwhip to ensure that the rest of the house stays in the decent condition that it’s already in.  None of that stuff matters.  What matters is I am going to my festival!

Every weekend I’m busting my ass to get a little closer to ready, a little less frantic, a little more antsy about it.

In addition, I’m finding that, suddenly, I seem to be in high demand for various things.  Phone calls, invitations, conversations on the street, demands/requests on my time of whatever sort, and this is in addition to all the plans I’ve already made.  NOT that I’m complaining, mind.  In fact, I kind of enjoy it, as long as it’s not actively infringing on my preparations to leave.  Which it’s not.  Not yet, anyway.

So now I just have to finish a room, keep up on the rest of the house, try to get in touch with my family’s attorney and sell dad’s land, see Batman with Spawn, confirm the catsitter and get the hell outta town. 

Cake and pie.  This is totally doable.

Your result for Which Chess Piece are You Test?…

The King’s Rook

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… but apparently, people who know me are, once again, reading way too much into what I write.

So start here:  You’re So Vain.  Then come back.

Done?  Remember that?  Good.

This vanity is something I really just don’t get.  There’s this self-absorption that some people fall into that makes them think that everything I say MUST be about them and, frankly, when it comes to the blog I am sick and tired of it.

This is the part where I actually do talk about and, a little bit TO, someone else.

A friend of mine told me about someone else who read, what I can only assume is, this post and turned it into something that was targeted to two specific people.  Guess what, it’s not.  It’s about a laundry list of people who have been so completely ineffectual as MY friends that I refuse to put any more effort into anything anymore.

Here’s the straight dish:  a few months back, I almost gave up on something that I’ve been doing and enjoying for close to 5 years because of the hassle of including other people.  It became a burden and one that yielded nothing but MORE WORK for me, and work I didn’t want to have to do.  I brought it up with the ONE person who actually matters to me in relation to the situation and we ended the extra work and went back to what made it enjoyable in the first place.

That’s where it all started.  Not with recent events, not with specific outings, but with a fun, inclusive idea that started to ruin a long-held tradition.

Since then, I have found myself losing patience with (again) a long list of people who have not, in my opinion, been holding up their end of the friendship.  Not only does it make me question those people, it makes me question my judgment in people and, specifically, some of the ones I choose as friends.

If I am the one who has to initiate conversations, almost exclusively, then you are not being a good friend.  If all my invitations are rebuffed, then I’m going to stop inviting you places.  If the start and finish of our "friendship" is on your terms, then I’m out.  I do not have the time or patience to bust my ass maintaining a one-sided friendship.

That said, it doesn’t take much to BE my friend.  Even if I’ve emotionally swept you out and written you off, it doesn’t take much to reignite friendship with me.  All it takes is a little bit of effort on your part and I’ll give it right back, but at this point, if you’ve already been cleaned out, then you’ll only get from me as good as you give and if you never took me up on my invitations, they won’t start coming again anytime soon.  It’s not worth the feelings of rejection that I have to deal with.  It’s just not.

I’m not sure which is more insulting, the idea that this so-called friend decided that I was petty enough to start writing people off over a single situation, or the fact that he not only didn’t say anything to me (and hasn’t said anything to me in weeks) but started talking shit about me to OTHER PEOPLE who may or may not have even been involved.  Probably the former more than the latter, but either way, fucking insulting.

Nosy or voyeuristic, bored and having nothing to do or actually interested, I think that the vast majority of people who know me in person should probably just not read my blog and, instead, TALK TO ME.  Because this site isn’t anywhere near the full range of experiences I have, nor is it the full span of stories I could tell  Hell, I even setup a Plurk account so that I could micro-blog some of the crazy little things that I see, hear, experience, whatever and there is still more that goes on and never gets written down.

I went to Portland to visit a friend of mine who reads my blog and we still had things to talk about.  I had things to say that weren’t posts on the blog.  Amazing, isn’t it?  I see Princess at least once a week, we talk on the phone several times a week, we email almost every day and, despite the fact that she reads my blog, we still have things to talk about…  a lot of things, actually, we both really like to talk.

Not even half of what goes on in my life gets posted here.  I have a strong personal ethical code that guides my blogging.  Notice that I don’t really talk about work and, if I even do, I don’t give specifics.  Notice that the only REAL names I use up here are those of people who use their real names online in some form.  Notice how many times I have said "Not for public consumption" or "Not my story to tell (online)" or something else to that effect.  Some of those stories DO get told, but privately and, generally, out loud as opposed to written down.

And there is still no category for "Other People’s Drama".  Nor will there ever be.  I don’t have the patience for OPD and when it affects me directly, all it does is piss me off, so I write about how I got all pissed off and it’s my reactions and my emotions more than it is about whatever some anonymous person did.  Most times I don’t even bother with their details, only my own reactions.

So get over yourself.  It’s not about you, it’s about ME.

So…  they call me "Sunshine".

This is not a recent thing.  It occurred to me the last time someone did that, that people have been calling me "Sunshine" for most of my life.  It’s people who don’t really know me, but see me on a regular basis, like the people behind the counter at the cafes that I frequent, or folks who I know well enough that they might call me a pet name.

It’s weird.

I asked around to find out if anyone could tell me WHY they call me "Sunshine" and the reaction from most people was "Well, *I* don’t call you that."  And they don’t, but a lot of random people do.

I suppose I can come off as rather sunny and have been known, in exceptionally perky moments to say "I am a merry ray of sunshine", but only ever to someone I knew, and, let’s be honest here, more as a warning of just how perky I was feeling that particular morning than some kind of "call me Sunshine" kind of invitation.

Thinking about it, though, I realized that a lot of people count on me for optimism.  There are a few instances that I can think of where the people around me have been highly rattled by the fact that I was DOWN, whether that meant depressed or angry or completely apathetic.  Without a chipper smile or a "bright side" to relay, it makes people very nervous…  Most nervous when I don’t even make an effort to hide it.

But in general, I’m not really all that sunshiny.  I’m snarky and sarcastic and kind of bitchy and judgmental and sometimes mean.  Of course, that said, I hang around with people who tend to be even worse than I am about that sort of thing, so maybe it’s a comparison bit.

I’m not sure if I’m doing something wrong or right that people who don’t know me not only think of me that way, but turn it into my name-of-convenience.

Although I suppose there is some potential correlation between being the FyreGoddess and the sun being a giant ball of fire in the sky.  Maybe I just need to spin this whole thing a little better…

I am overcommitted.  I’m not entirely sure how it happened, but all my time has been taken up and what little I thought I had has somehow filled up.

This music thing is not really getting the results I wanted, but the one or two people who are actually interested seem to be actually interested, and want to schedule time to get together.  I’m not sure where that time is.  My mother signed me up to help with a personal project I have been wanting to do for ages, but I’m not going to be able to fit it in.  My brother needs me to go up to Dad’s old place and try to finish clearing it out so we can sell it.  I think I can make time, but I don’t know how much.

Meanwhile, I’ve still got movie nights and open mics and Spawn and work and travel time and an impending vacation that I don’t know if I’m really ready for as yet.  I still need to find someone to take care of my cats, I still need to make the list of things to bring, I still need to dig out the stuff that I only need once a year…  and as of tomorrow, I have 2 weeks to do EVERYTHING.

Maybe I’m starting to panic just a little.

But I also know it’s all going to work out.  In the meantime, I have to figure out how to schedule all the things I’m just too busy to do…

I think that Independence Day is my least favorite holiday.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the sentiment behind it, I like the intention, but the execution is ridiculous.

I’m not a big fan of fireworks at the best of times, I am certainly not a fan of reckless idiots setting off illegal fireworks on my street.  For a week.  Maybe more.  All night, every night.

It wasn’t so much that they were setting off fireworks on the 4th, it was that they had been doing this for days into the wee hours of the morning and, frankly, I was DONE with the explosions. 

I gave them a good 5 hours and it wasn’t until the rockets started hitting the Unitarian church directly across the street from my house that I called the police for the first time in my life.  Seriously.  I had never EVER called the police before - for anything - and I called them to put a stop to the people who thought it was funny that they were very nearly burning down the church - repeatedly.

An hour later, I went outside to assess the situation personally.  I wasn’t sure if the cops had come or not, but now there were two groups of people in the middle of the street.  One down by the Baptist church this time, setting off pretty powerful fireworks and with a whole bunch of screaming kids dancing around the whirling firework and a second, smaller group about 3-4 doors down from me, running into the street, lighting a firework and THROWING it as high up in the air as it could go.

Oh.  HELLS.  No.

So I called the police again and said "Look, I didn’t mind for days.  I didn’t mind for most of tonight, but not only is it midnight, and not only is this the second time I’ve called, but these people are getting progressively stupider (I assume as they are getting progressively drunker) and I’d really rather not be dealing with the fire department tonight."

And that was the truth.  As obnoxious as the fireworks and the people setting them off were, it was the consistency of it for days and the looming possibility of sirens and emergency vehicles all up and down my goddamned street at all hours of the morning.  That would be something that was entirely out of my control and all these people were moving in that direction.

The kids just a few doors down actually got in more trouble as the weekend went on, and were looking for anywhere that might be "cool" to set off their remaining fireworks.  The last I saw/heard from them and/or from the fireworks was when they hauled ass down the street after setting off fireworks in a parking lot on the corner…  just as a cop was driving by.  I don’t want to see anyone arrested, but I think a good talking-to would certainly be in order for these folks.

You see, they had fireworks on Memorial Day, too.  And on New Years.  And on various birthdays.  And whenever they feel like it.

And I haven’t said a thing until now, but THIS TIME I was actually seeing their blatant stupidity and amusement at the potential destruction not only of other people’s property, but of the entire neighborhood.

Fuckers.

And that’s why I hate Independence Day.  Because of how many people refuse to take responsibility for whatever freedoms they do claim.

Stolen from pumaviking, who stole it from Princess.  Bold = seen, underlined = own, italics = on my netflix queue (or something).

1. Pulp Fiction (1994)
2. The Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001-03)
3. Titanic (1997)
4. Blue Velvet (1986)
5. Toy Story (1995)
6. Saving Private Ryan (1998)
7. Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)
8. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
9. Die Hard (1988)
10. Moulin Rouge (2001)
11. This Is Spinal Tap (1984) (going to buy this.  The boy insists)
12. The Matrix (1999)
13. GoodFellas (1990)
14. Crumb (1995)
15. Edward Scissorhands (1990)
16. Boogie Nights (1997)
17. Jerry Maguire (1996)
18. Do the Right Thing (1989)
19. Casino Royale (2006)
20. The Lion King (1994)
21. Schindler’s List (1993)
22. Rushmore (1998)
23. Memento (2001)
24. A Room With a View (1986)
25. Shrek (2001)
26. Hoop Dreams (1994)
27. Aliens (1986)
28. Wings of Desire (1988)
29. The Bourne Supremacy (2004)
30. When Harry Met Sally… (1989)
31. Brokeback Mountain (2005) (hated this movie so very much)
32. Fight Club (1999)
33. The Breakfast Club (1985)
34. Fargo (1996)
35. The Incredibles (2004)
36. Spider-Man 2 (2004)
37. Pretty Woman (1990)
38. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
39. The Sixth Sense (1999)
40. Speed (1994)
41. Dazed and Confused (1993)
42. Clueless (1995)
43. Gladiator (2000)
44. The Player (1992)
45. Rain Man (1988)
46. Children of Men (2006) (hated this movie so very much)
47. Men in Black (1997)
48. Scarface (1983)
49. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)
50. The Piano (1993)
51. There Will Be Blood (2007)
52. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad (1988)
53. The Truman Show (1998)
54. Fatal Attraction (1987)
55. Risky Business (1983)
56. The Lives of Others (2006)
57. There’s Something About Mary (1998)
58. Ghostbusters (1984)
59. L.A. Confidential (1997)
60. Scream (1996)
61. Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
62. sex, lies and videotape (1989)
63. Big (1988)
64. No Country For Old Men (2007)
65. Dirty Dancing (1987)
66. Natural Born Killers (1994)
67. Donnie Brasco (1997)
68. Witness (1985)
69. All About My Mother (1999)
70. Broadcast News (1987)
71. Unforgiven (1992)
72. Thelma & Louise (1991)
73. Office Space (1999)
74. Drugstore Cowboy (1989)
75. Out of Africa (1985)
76. The Departed (2006)
77. Sid and Nancy (1986)
78. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
79. Waiting for Guffman (1996)
80. Michael Clayton (2007)
81. Moonstruck (1987)
82. Lost in Translation (2003)
83. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987)
84. Sideways (2004)
85. The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005)
86. Y Tu Mamá También (2002)
87. Swingers (1996)
88. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
89. Breaking the Waves (1996)
90. Napoleon Dynamite (2004) (this was so horrible, I don’t understand why people love it so much.  I just wanted to smack that kid)
91. Back to the Future (1985)
92. Menace II Society (1993)
93. Ed Wood (1994) (one of only a few Burton’s I don’t own)
94. Full Metal Jacket (1987)
95. In the Mood for Love (2001)
96. Far From Heaven (2002)
97. Glory (1989)
98. The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)
99. The Blair Witch Project (1999)
100. South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999)

So I counted and I think it’s 67 that I’ve seen.  2/3 is pretty good.  Or pretty pathetic, depending on your view of these things.

We are still not a British Colony anymore.

Happy Independence Day.

So I wasn’t feeling the open mic, but I forced myself to go anyway.  Once I got there, one of the two regular hosts wasn’t there and, looking around the crowd, I got a strong feeling of not wanting to play this time around.  So I didn’t.

Slockin and I hung around the bar, then hooked up with another friend and went to a different bar.  My plans to get home early and get some (fucking) sleep (already) were thwarted and I didn’t get home until 1.  I am reminded why I initially made the decision to do this every other week.

You see…

I left work and was subjected to a pathetic desperate loser on the bus who blatantly propositioned me at least three times, in increasingly desperate fashion ("How’s this, I’ll bring my kids over, sleep in your bed and we’ll have a sleepover with all the kids."  Um, ew.  Like, seriously, EW.)  Yeah, this wonderful catch has two kids and an ex wife who left him for another man and moved to Washington.  But he’s got a good job washing dishes at Denny’s!  Oh, and, he’s really tired of being single, and so lonely and don’t I want to rescue him from himself?

Yeah, not so much.

When I got off the bus, I ran some errands and then did my shopping for two weeks, encountering all of the slowest people on the planet in the process.  For example, the extremely elderly woman who insisted on digging through her purse for exact change.  And on and on and on.

Waited for 40 (!) minutes for the cab to come, though I, thankfully, got a very cool driver who had great stories to tell and a fun accent to listen to.  This made up for the wait, to some extent, but didn’t change the fact that I got home at 7:30; with barely enough time to eat and change before going out.  I did not have time to shower or to practice, so yeah, not a fantastic start to an intent to perform.

The point, if I actually started with one, is that I’m tired.  So very tired, and reminded of why I don’t do this every week anymore, or why I wasn’t, and probably won’t do it very often.

Ok, so I’ve been feeling and saying for a long time that I really need to find people to collaborate with musically.  That said, this is a HARD town in which to connect with people.  It’s all about who you know.

So I put a post on CraigsList.  Oh yeah, I’m pretty much doing the internet dating thing only with music.  The major difference is that instead of a pic, they want to hear my music, which is, unfortunately, what I want to break away from.  Fundamentally, the songs that are on MySpace are typical of what I write when it’s just me and my guitar - slow, sweet, unrequited love songs.  I want to do something else, something MORE and I need musicians who are better and more diverse, instrumentally, than I am.

I can write to anything.  I can sing to a lot of things.  I don’t want to stay stuck in this box.

Ok, so…  the responses have been in good numbers.  I think in two days I’ve gotten at least 10 replies, all of whom received responses from me, but few of whom have kept up an email volley.  I’m trying not to read in, they may just not have had time.  The possibility does exist, though, that they didn’t like my voice or found my style (which, again, I’m trying to escape) off-putting.  Again, trying not to read in.

So now I’ve been kind of chatting with these guys (all guys so far) and sending them the link to MySpace and telling them that I plan to be at my regular open mic tonight if they want to meet/listen to me/talk in person.  A couple of people have told me that they’ll probably come and check it out.

And I have no idea what to play.

I mean, ok, clearly I should not play any of the songs from MySpace because they’ve already heard them.  That said, most of my other songs are pretty damned close and typical of what I’ve done so far.  The handful of songs that are somewhat out of the box for me are relatively unpracticed and seem chancy to pick to play tonight.  As a result I am feeling pretty "meh" about not only the open mic, but my songs in general and my musicianship.

I know I’ll get over it by the time I actually take the stage, but at the same time, this is really not the week to be feeling "meh" about my music.  Not if I’m going to be trying to meet musicians to work with as time goes on…