Jun 27

This is a post for me.  Not that I’ll come back to it,  but maybe the simple act of writing things down will help me on my path.

I had an extreme moment of clarity last night, as I lay in bed, unable to sleep.  There is a path that I need to take that will lead me to a better place, but I’m not entirely sure of the order of all the steps.

I need to make more money.  Getting rid of the online job has been a serious financial hit, while remaining an emotional win.  I need to find a way to increase my income by 50%, whether that means getting a new job or taking on additional jobs, I don’t yet know.  Maybe it’ll be a combination of both.  I have to figure it out, but I’m working toward it.

I need to move.  Desperately.  I cannot continue to watch my neighborhood deteriorate because of one building – owned by the occupants and rented to the worst of the ghetto-dwellers.  They won’t pick up after their dogs, they drop their trash everywhere, they create trash to drop in front of target houses (mine is one of them), they are dangerous about their firework use (shooting things at houses and churches) and blast their music late into the night.  That same building is also responsible for the (ugly and amateurish) graffiti all over the neighborhood (they were bragging about it outside my window) and I suspect they are responsible for the “recent rash of break-ins” in the neighborhood (but not on this block).  The worst part of all of this is that the primary troublemakers only moved in within the past few months, replacing slightly less horrible people.  This isn’t something I can do before I have enough money coming in that I’m no longer living paycheck to paycheck, but once the money part is fixed, this will be the next major step.

I need real furniture.  The recliner I own belongs to Spawn.  Otherwise, I have a pile of mattresses that I sleep on and a futon for a couch.  I need a real couch and a real bedroom set.  Last night I fantasized about winning $25,000 in a sweepstakes.  I realized that it is the perfect amount of money to pay for moving (getting the new apartment as well as movers), new furniture, a few new electronic toys and my transcontinental graduation trip for Spawn.  Not that I can count on winning anything, but it’s nice to know that a complete life makeover has a price tag (even if I can’t quite reach it).

I also need to scale back on things.  I have too much stuff.  A lot of the things I have are keepsakes with sentimental value, but they’re mostly not things that I need to look at to recall a memory.  They’re mostly not things I look at ever.  I need to go through EVERYTHING and get rid of most of it.  Sell books, sell records, sell dad’s things, try to set up a plus-sized clothing swap or just give the damned things away.  There is WAY too much clutter in my life and I don’t want or need most of it.

And that’s my starting point.  Four bullet points that need to be addressed as soon as possible.  I have a few plans in the works and my gears are certainly turning.  Whether there will be fruits of my labor is yet to be seen, but for now, I’m identifying the road I need to take and attempting to take the first few steps down it.

Jun 22

Ever since Star Wars: A New Hope, Carrie Fisher has been considered one of the great female role models in science fiction.  Recently, though, she’s shown herself to be anything but a good role model for girls with her latest foray into the spokesperson arena.

Carrie Fisher has been doing commercials for Jenny Craig since early this year.  Since I got a DVR, I don’t really expose myself to commercials and have always been pretty removed from the messages anyway, but for some reason, last night, I actually paid attention to her commercial and I was horrified by what she was saying.

I mean, okay, I get that people become more self-conscious when they don’t like the way they look, but some of the things Carrie is saying are downright dangerous.

“I can wear colors.  I don’t have to wear black.”

Wait, what?  As a fat girl, I’m not allowed to wear color?  Not only should someone tell that to my wardrobe, they should tell every fat girl clothing store in existence.  While many people believe that black is slimming, and it can be, it’s not the only way to make your body look its best.  In fact, I’d go so far as to say that cut and style are much more important in terms of highlighting your features and hiding your flaws.

“Thank you for letting me be pretty, one more time.”

This is the most frightening thing to me, though.  You know, because fat people are ugly.  Inherently.  According to Carrie, you cannot be fat and pretty.  While Jenny Craig’s target audience is surely not little girls, they are still seeing those commercials and receiving those messages loud and clear.  Beyond that, though, you’re still telling the target demographic that they are not pretty and should be subjected to a colorless, miserable life.

I don’t think that’s very good role model behavior.  The only comfort I take is that Carrie Fisher really looks her age and may not be identifiable by the young girls who need to hear more positive messages about body image.  I know that I have no reason to explain to my niece (who is a larger girl and whose mother died after many years of battling with bulimia and anorexia ) that Princess Leia says that only thin girls are allowed to be pretty.

So 40 years later, after showing girls that women can be badass and be a princess, her message is now that you can only be pretty if you’re thin.  Oh, and that color is only for skinny girls.  Thanks, Carrie.

Jun 17

In case you didn’t already figure it out, I”m talking about my cruise.

I sent an email today to one of the speakers, Jim Blascovich, to tell him how his sessions in particular have changed, not only how I think, but how I speak and convey things to people.  His perspective on virtual worlds is a new one, and one I fully subscribe to.  In short, he explains that we enter and participate in virtual worlds daily, whether it’s a conscious choice (like an online community) or an unconscious one (like dreaming).  He mentioned in one of his sessions that the “real world”, while often referred to meaning the physical world in which we live is a misnomer.  Virtual worlds and alternate realities often feel just as real, if not more so, as the physical world.  All worlds are equally real, at least at a fundamental level.

Wow.  I completely get that.  I’ve “lived” in virtual worlds before.  Sometimes to the detriment of my physical world life.  I know a lot of people who have also done that, but we still all refer to the physical world as being the “real” one.

That small piece of information has changed my thinking and the way I look at reality as a concept.

But that’s not the only change in my thinking that I’ve noticed.  It should come as no surprise to my long-time readers that I love watching science shows on television.  Granted, some of that is speculative fiction and history, but I also love watching the shows about how the universe works.  The problem is, I can’t watch most of them anymore.  Having listened to both a world renowned cosmologist and a world renowned astrophysicist, I can no longer listen to dumbed-down science.  I know better and I know that I can understand and process the actual information.  I don’t need it explained to me on a lower level.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I completely understand the need for that sort of dumbed-down science.  We live in a country where a majority can’t even point out [insert foreign country here] on a map.  Of course, the masses will need their science watered down in order to understand it.  I find myself flashing back to sometime last year when a friend-of-a-friend asked me if the people on the cruise would be talking about things like Morgan Freeman’s Through the Wormhole.  The answer, of course, is no.  When we talked science, it was mostly about what we had just listened to.  Otherwise, it was things we read in Scientific American or in books or other respected media.  There was no discussion (that I heard or participated in) that came back to pop science on television.

As I said in a recent post, I realized on my cruise that I had been underestimating myself in a lot of areas in my life.  Clearly this is another.  I didn’t suddenly become smarter on the cruise, I simply learned that I am intelligent enough to handle more than I previously had.  Also, that I am not being mentally challenged/stimulated on a regular basis.  I’m working on fixing that, but in the meantime, I’m thinking differently and allowing myself to be more receptive to the new ways of thinking that people are proposing.  I thought I was always open to that, but maybe not.  Either way, I see the world differently now than I did a month ago.

Jun 13

This new millennium is confusing to a lot of people.  Moore’s law tells us that computing power will double every two years, but this doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of the social changes that that computer power drives.  Social media is a prime example.  With most of the US wired to some degree and hundreds of millions of people participating on Facebook alone, we’re more than a little lost in the woods with what to do with these new tools.  Across the board, we are largely doing it wrong.

1) Facebook is not a good way to make new friends.

Some might argue that it is.  Some might argue that they have successfully made friends through Facebook, but I don’t buy it.  I, too, have added a friend of a friend to my own feed, but it’s because I like what they have to say, not because I think we should be friends.  The problem is that you cannot get to know someone online.

We know that 93% of communication is non-verbal.  Ninety-three.  Only 7% of our face-to-face communication comes from our choice of words.  The rest of it is a combination of body language and tone of voice.  Both of those things are lost online.  Immediately, online, we are at a severe disadvantage, especially since the average American only knows 15,000-30,000 words.  (Uncited as I could not find any good sources for these numbers.)  No matter how many words you know, if you’re only typing to someone, they are only receiving 7% of what you’re trying to convey.

Even worse, though, is that we aren’t always aware of this lack of tone and physical cues.  When we type, even if we bold, italicize, capitalize or otherwise try to highlight the words that we’re trying to emphasize, people might miss it, even if it’s perfectly clear to us.  We will even “hear” tone in what we’re writing or what we’re reading, and we forget that the person on the other end may be “hearing” something different.

You can’t know someone’s level of sarcasm or their honest reaction to whatever it is you’re saying.  As much as you might like that person who you “met” because you comment on the same types of posts or because you (appear to) share a world view, until you have an opportunity to take things to a different level, you will only ever know less than 10% of them.  It is much easier to like people online than it is to translate it to the physical world.

a) Nor is it a good way to start a romantic relationship.

Everything above still applies, but tenfold.  You cannot assess someone’s suitability as a partner online.  We all put our best face forward.  Even in real-time IM conversations, we have the ability to edit and self-censor.  We can make ourselves look better online than we ever could in person.  Those flattering pictures?  Yes, they might be genuine, but people specifically choose to post the photos that make them look best.  In this age of digital cameras, you can take a hundred pictures and keep only one.  We can also tailor our responses to the person we’re talking to.

That 7% of what comes through isn’t enough for a strong foundation for a friendship, let alone a foundation for a meaningful relationship, but it feels like it is.  Because of the seeming anonymity, we reveal our “secrets” early in the conversation and things feel intimate much more rapidly.  When that first face-to-face meeting occurs, we already feel like we know the other person and we feel much further along in the getting-to-know-you process than we actually are.  It leads to short, drama-laden pseudo-relationships and more loneliness.

2) You don’t have as many friends as your friend count.

Recently, this article went around.  It claims that humans are only capable of 150 meaningful relationships.  Prior to Facebook’s mainstream popularity, that number was thought to be even lower, at least in terms of close friends.  The “top 10″ phone plans work because most people have fewer than 10 people that they call on a regular basis and, as time goes on, Americans find that they have fewer confidantes than ever beforeSome claim that this is by choice, but further studies show an epidemic of loneliness and isolation in our society.  While our number of “friends” as defined by the internet increase, our number of actual friends, as defined by actions, compassion and availability, decreases.

Our friends, without quotation marks, are the ones who will drop everything and come to the hospital.  They’re the ones who will comfort you when you cry.  They’re the ones who actually want to know “How are you?” when they ask.  They know your story and your history.  They know what’s going on in your life, even when it’s not so pretty.  And you feel the same way about them.

The problem is that social media has co-opted the word “friend” to mean contacts and acquaintances and our brains aren’t processing this new meaning.  Few, if any, of the people I went to high school with are people I consider friends in my life, but Facebook classifies them as such.  Anyone I’ve added to my Facebook page is, by default, my friend, but its their actual role in my life that legitimizes that definition, or not.

3) Your privacy settings do not make you safe and may cost you friends.

I’m one of those people who only adds people I know to Facebook, but sometimes I don’t add people I know.  Not because of some slight, but because I’m not entirely sure who they are.  I get periodic friend requests.  Mostly they’re names I recognize with pictures of people I know, but sometimes it’s a name that is sort of familiar, but I can’t place it; the picture is of nature or a dog or maybe a baby and the profile is locked down so that all I can see is the gender of the person making the request (which, depending on the first name, I probably already figured out).  That’s it.  That person gets rejected because I have no way of knowing who it is.  Maybe someone with an uncommon first name would be easier to figure out, but a generic name like “Susan” or “David”, where there are millions of them and probably several in my life?  Forget it.  If I can’t figure out who you are by visiting your profile page, I’m not adding you to my page.

So why do people do this?  Every week there’s a new “security threat” that gets spammed across Facebook.  Be careful of the boogie man of the week!  The reality is that we should pick and choose what we want and need to be private.  Very few people actually need to keep their information as locked down as it is – especially since many of those people are waiving their rights to privacy by using an Android or iPhone.  While Google pays lip service to privacy concerns, they have been a major offender in terms of selling data.  We’re not worried about those things, though, we are worried about someone seeing the video we posted or knowing what we had for lunch.

Even worse, some of the companies that have applications on Facebook are some of the biggest offenders.  Zynga, the largest social gaming company, was leaking users’ private details and, late last year, was sued for it.  Here’s the scary part: No one actually minded.  People who play FarmVille didn’t stop playing, they kept right on.  This is not the first time Zynga has been scrutinized for privacy issues, either, but people continue to accept their requirements to pull user data and friends user data.

Again, FarmVille players gave Zynga access to their profile information.  Zynga sold that information.  There was no noticeable drop in the number of players.  And, since you have to give Zynga access to your profile data in order to play their games, FV players said, by their actions, that they don’t mind their personal data being sold.  But they mind…  what?  Individuals seeing their favorite movies?

The problem is that people see these security threat posts go around and immediately turn off whatever it was they were supposed to be scared of, but they don’t take the time to learn the privacy settings and think about what they actually need.  People are so scared that they’re not even willing to publicly acknowledge what city they live in, whether or not they’re married, or their favorite books!  Why is this information private?  With your email address, a search engine and an hour, I can probably find out where you live, where your work, where your kids go to school and what websites you’re registered with.  If you’ve ever posted an online dating profile, I can find out a whole lot more about you than you probably want me to know, so why be so scared of Facebook?

This is one of the best links I’ve seen on using the Facebook privacy settings.  It clearly explains how to do it and what everything means, but doesn’t tell you what you’re supposed to do – it leaves that up to the individual.

In conclusion.

There are many ways in which people are “doing in wrong”.  Especially as we muddle our way through new media and new ways to connect and socialize.  The case could be made that we’re progressing faster than our neural routines can keep up with.  We’ve got so many new things being thrown at us and we’re just trying to keep up with a world that keeps getting more complicated.  Thing is, we need to stop adapting ourselves to technology and start working on ways to make technology adapt to us.

Right now, as a society, we’re looking at Facebook to transform how we socialize and keep in touch, but we should be using Facebook to enhance our relationships, not to create and foster them.  The combination of the internet and cell phones are removing us from 93% of our communication.  There’s an unwillingness to make a phone call instead of a text, even if it will be quicker.  There are more and more people who won’t leave the house to spend time with friends because all they need to do is write on their wall.  We’re isolating ourselves and claiming that it’s the wave of the future, but it doesn’t have to be.

Social networking can’t replace personal interaction and, I believe, in a few years, that will become self-evident.  In the meantime, at least we can be more aware of how we use these social tools available to us.  Just remember, these tools are only tools, and it’s up to us to figure out the best use of them.

Jun 1

You know how they say “out of sight, out of mind”?  Well, I find that it’s very true, especially when it comes to unpleasant things and people.  So much so, in fact, that I completely forget that some people exist, despite having them on my Facebook friends list.  I’m not afraid to use that “Hide” option if posts or just plain people set my teeth on edge.

So when she came up to me full of smiles and hugs, I was taken off guard.  My nemesis.

Yes, that’s right, I have a real-life nemesis.  One I don’t think about very often.  One I’ve known and battled since I was 9 years old, so for almost 25 years now.  I’m still not sure how that’s possible, but on the rare occasion that we run into each other (which is surprisingly seldom for a town like mine), I am well reminded of all the reasons she’s is so defined.

I could tell you the incident when it all started.  I could give you examples of the continuation through the years, but, frankly, it’s unimportant.  The problem that we run into every single time is competition.  Her mom is better than my mom.  Her brother is better than my brother.  She is better than me.  Now I disagree on a whole lot of levels, but it doesn’t stop her from playing her stupid little games.  She insists that everything about her life is better than mine and I’m honestly not sure how I became her personal measure of success, especially since she doesn’t know me at all anymore, but she still has to be better than me somehow.

So she saw me, and in a very unexpected place.  Except it’s the exact same place where we had our first encounter – within 10 feet.  We made nice with each other and the entire exchange lasted maybe 5 minutes – not long enough to compete or even to find a measure of competition….  except…  she’s lost a lot of weight in the past few years and I have not, largely because I’m not trying.  So she didn’t need to look for a measure of “better than me”, since my size is probably enough for her to walk away feeling like a winner.

Loser.

Because at least in my own life, I measure my success by how I feel and what I do.  I don’t need to compare myself with other people to feel good about myself.  I certainly don’t need to put people down in order to feel good.  I live my life openly and optimistically and looking to share my joy with others, not to drag them down so I can stand above them, looking down my nose.

I guess that means that I win, but it doesn’t change the fact that the next time will be a new competition and a new game for her to play.  But I think that I will always win from here on out.  I’ve already accomplished the things that weren’t important to her in the past.  Now that she’s starting to want what I’ve already done and I’m moving on to do things that never even occurred to her, it will probably be impossible for her to catch up.

But here’s the thing: I’m just taking the path of life as a leisurely stroll.  I’m taking in the sights and smelling all the roses.  I’m stopping to chat with the people who have paused or who are on the same path as me and I’m helping to fix the flat tires I encounter along the way.  Meanwhile, she’s running at a breakneck pace, trying to achieve a goal that doesn’t even really exist, trying to one-up anyone she thinks she can beat.

And now I can move on and forget all about her…  until the next surprise encounter.