Campfyre Stories

We are now inches away from selling my father’s land, which is a very good thing and a long time coming.

The problem I now face is that there’s not much that *I* can do about it.

My brothers have gone to Falcon Ridge for pre-festival setup.  I don’t know when they’re coming back.  My mother has transferred the land to the three of us.  We all need to sit down with the buyer and sign papers.  I don’t know when this will happen, except that it should be before I leave on Wednesday.

This is all very good, because it’s one less thing that we all need to worry about.  I’m really ready to transfer this property to someone who will get good use out of it.

Since the divorce, there’s really only one thing I didn’t finalize, which was changing my name at my bank.  Yeah…  not the smartest slacking ever.  Now I can’t find my divorce papers and I *have* to change my name in order to deal with the check that we’re going to get for the sale.  *sigh*  Hopefully Dragonmaker will know where his copy is so that I can borrow it.  Otherwise, my Wednesday just got that much more complicated, since I’ll probably have to go to the county clerk (??) and get a new certified copy.  Let’s not think about that.

My papers are in a "safe place".  FFS.

ANYway.  This means that I’ll be financially set for my vacation as well as for the next month.  I can pick up the things I’ve been putting off and not worry about all the traveling that I’m going to be doing in the next few months.

So that’s very good.

We are still not a British Colony anymore.

Happy Independence Day.

Ok, so I’ve been feeling and saying for a long time that I really need to find people to collaborate with musically.  That said, this is a HARD town in which to connect with people.  It’s all about who you know.

So I put a post on CraigsList.  Oh yeah, I’m pretty much doing the internet dating thing only with music.  The major difference is that instead of a pic, they want to hear my music, which is, unfortunately, what I want to break away from.  Fundamentally, the songs that are on MySpace are typical of what I write when it’s just me and my guitar - slow, sweet, unrequited love songs.  I want to do something else, something MORE and I need musicians who are better and more diverse, instrumentally, than I am.

I can write to anything.  I can sing to a lot of things.  I don’t want to stay stuck in this box.

Ok, so…  the responses have been in good numbers.  I think in two days I’ve gotten at least 10 replies, all of whom received responses from me, but few of whom have kept up an email volley.  I’m trying not to read in, they may just not have had time.  The possibility does exist, though, that they didn’t like my voice or found my style (which, again, I’m trying to escape) off-putting.  Again, trying not to read in.

So now I’ve been kind of chatting with these guys (all guys so far) and sending them the link to MySpace and telling them that I plan to be at my regular open mic tonight if they want to meet/listen to me/talk in person.  A couple of people have told me that they’ll probably come and check it out.

And I have no idea what to play.

I mean, ok, clearly I should not play any of the songs from MySpace because they’ve already heard them.  That said, most of my other songs are pretty damned close and typical of what I’ve done so far.  The handful of songs that are somewhat out of the box for me are relatively unpracticed and seem chancy to pick to play tonight.  As a result I am feeling pretty "meh" about not only the open mic, but my songs in general and my musicianship.

I know I’ll get over it by the time I actually take the stage, but at the same time, this is really not the week to be feeling "meh" about my music.  Not if I’m going to be trying to meet musicians to work with as time goes on…

Of all the things on my list, the only thing that didn’t get done was laundry.  In part because I was tired and feeling lazy, in part because someone (I don’t know who, but I have an unconfirmed guess) sent me a new game from Amazon Marketplace.  It’s trippy and bizarre and I freakin’ love it!

So…  party.

It was good, lots of people, lots of music, lots of really good food.  I saw people I hadn’t seen in at least a year, reconnected with people who had changed or grown up or whatever, met new people and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

That said, I’m rather disappointed in some of the people I consider my friends.  This is something that happens pretty regularly and, no matter how many times I go through it, it still takes me off guard.  I often feel like I am an exceedingly low- (or even non-) priority to people who claim to be my friend.  Not all of them, by any means, but most of them, and specifically, most of the ones who live in this area.

My friends who live out of state tend to be the most supportive and available, even if it’s only by phone.  Out of the people who live near me and I consider my friends, the ones who tend to be the busiest, the ones who I rarely actually get to see are the ones I know I can count on.  The rest of them just blow me off and do it without a word most times. 

It’s a problem I’ve run into over and over again most of my life.  It’s the reason I don’t throw parties - because few, if any people, actually come.  It appears to me that with some of these folks, they are my friend only under certain circumstances.  If those circumstances change, they may still consider me their friend, but, at the same time, they stop being mine.

Once again, I’m feeling like I need to do an emotional housecleaning and figure out what to do with these so-called friendships that don’t really seem to exist for me.  I’m well past the point of being the only one to make any effort, and I’m starting to feel like some of these are going to need that level of attention.  It will break my heart to lose some of these people, but I’d rather suffer a little heartbreak than wind up feeling like a doormat, or expending copious amounts of energy on something that is going to fall apart anyway.

I hate this part.  It seems like it comes around every year, generally close enough to my birthday to become a project with the birthday deadline.

It’s not even that I’m all that needy.  I can handle people canceling on me or not being available, but what really kills me, every single time is the repeated "yes, let’s get together" and then the complete and utter lack of communication and follow-through that happens.  It’s one of my own hypocrisies that I’ve battled quite a bit over the past few years, and I do not do it anymore.  If I don’t have time or energy, I don’t make those empty promises to "someday get together" and I ALWAYS at least make the point to let someone know if I’m not going to be able to make the plans that I either accepted or tentatively accepted.

Bah!

I’m really just tired of this happening so often.  And tired of having to weed through the people I want to consider my friends.

So tonight I’ll do my laundry and spend time with my boy.  Tomorrow I’ll have my regular movie night with the friend who I only see if we schedule the time with each other (which is why we do movie night).  Wednesday I’ll do another open mic and try to not care if anyone comes with (except for Slockin, who claims to have no good reason to bag).  And all the while I’ll start the sorting process and stop making quite so much effort.

I’ve been taking inventory and trying to pick up the things that I need to get through.  I’ve got the sunblock and a couple of out-of-town trips planned.  I’ve got everything in order for rental cars.  I still need to buy a new bathing suit, but I think that’s just about it, really.

I bought a water bottle the other day.  I asked the store worker "where can I find water bottles?"  His reply?  "What do you mean by water bottles?  I don’t think we have any."

"Um…  you know, bottles that…  hold water?  Like for when you’re walking…  outside…  in a heat wave?"

Turned out they did, actually, have them.  Quite a variety even, he just didn’t really understand what "water bottle" meant.  I blame the heat.  Even if it was air conditioned inside, his brain probably melted on his walk in from the parking lot.  I like to give people the benefit of the doubt…

My weekends are just filling up like crazy.  This makes me happy, but I’m going to have to make a point to schedule in some me-time.  I think I have one free non-Spawn weekend left (not counting this upcoming one) until some time in August when we ship him off to spend a few weeks in Michigan with his grandparents.  I can’t even begin to *think* about August at this point, since I have so much to get through before then.  Also, that will mark the beginning of birthday month and I’m just not prepared for that yet.

The heat finally broke, and perfect timing, too.  Trying to practice my guitar last night, it wouldn’t stay in tune because of the heat and humidity.  Blah.  I’ll be fine tonight, though.  After last time, it HAS to get better.

Of course, summer isn’t even really officially here yet.  Not for another 10 days, and I’ll be ringing in the summer with my mom’s annual blowout.  Combination Summer Party, half-birthday for my niece and graduation party for my little brother.  I am really looking forward to it, but with all the things I have to look forward to, I’m trying not to get overwhelmed.

Mid-90’s here all weekend.  Spent Saturday outside in the heat of the day celebrating the birthday of my favorite baby.  I scored with a singing card ("Girls Just Wanna Have Fun").

I found myself hanging out with women who I’ve always considered my mother’s friends, even though I’ve known them for just as long and they’ve always been friends of mine, too.  I realized later that it probably has something to do with the fact that they’re my mom’s peers and so, in my head, they become her friends.  It was a really nice validation to be seen and treated as a peer by these women who have known me since I was a kid.  Makes me feel like an adult, in a really good way.

Sleeping is impossible.  I think I got maybe 3 hours last night.  Spawn asked me if he could take a shower around 1am or so.  I’m not even sure why he asked, but if that boy needs a shower to fall asleep, you know there’s something going on heat-wise.

The worst thing about lying in bed not sleeping is where my thoughts take me.  These are roads I don’t want to walk down because sometimes I wind up believing that my fantasies could come true.  Maybe I should make more of an effort to make them that much more fantastic.  Most of them are realistic and attainable enough to convince me…

There’s something soothing about playing guitar naked in the dark.  I couldn’t see my fingers or the fretboard, but I hit all the chords accurately.  I wonder how much of that has to do with the fact that I was playing songs that I had written…  also whether or not it has anything to do with not needing to hit single strings for those songs.  Probably the latter more than the former.

They say if you fall off a horse you should get back on.  I think they say that about bicycles, too, but I’m turning it into the open mic.  Last time I fell flat on my face.  This time needs to be better.  Mother Judge will actually be there and hosting, so I think I’ll have a greater level of comfort and the whole thing will come off that much better.  *crosses fingers*  I’ve pretty much decided which songs I’ll perform, but one of them is kind of up in the air.  It’s ok, though, I don’t feel like I need to plan things out to the degree I usually do.  I’m trying to be more zen about these things and let them be what they will be.

I found out about another open mic not too far away from me (far enough to have to bus, though).  I’m trying to decide if I want to check it out, but I think it might mean skipping this one to do it.  I have to go back there this week or I’ll let my humiliation get the best of me…  maybe next time, or, perhaps, after my vacation.  I just don’t want my music to become stressful.

I am very much looking forward to Falcon Ridge this year.  Spawn has finally gotten the message that, since we volunteer, he has to invite a friend BEFORE the volunteer submission time frame closes.  He’s done that, I’ve confirmed with his mom and it’s all set up.  At 14, I think I don’t have to worry about the boys this year.  They’ll be off finding music circles for probably the entire time they’re not working.  As far as I’m concerned, it can’t come soon enough.

Another thing that can’t come soon enough?  Reassignment.  I’m in this waiting period, while I try to finish up all the projects that are open for me, and fulfill my obligations to my manager, but there’s not much for me to *actually* do.  Don’t get me wrong, I like what I’m doing, there’s just not much of it and I am actually wrapping things up.  I’ll probably stay long enough to cover my manager’s vacation and then (almost immediately afterward) go on my vacation, but in the meantime, I’m not getting new work and it’s about killing me.

Yeah, I could totally use a break.  But at this point, I also need to specify that it needs to be a break NOT during 90+ degree weather, because seriously?  I’m about melting here.

(I get nothing for this, I just believe in promoting positive, as well as negative, experiences with companies.)

So I switched my plan last month to a family plan so that Spawn could have reliable phone service and save my wallet from the pre-paid BS. I got a pretty good deal and we moved on.

When the bill came, it was a little higher than I expected, but, eh, new plan… I didn’t stress it until I saw that I no longer had MY text messaging on my phone (though Spawn did on his line). So I called and they fixed it for this biling cycle, but I didn’t find out about the previous month until a few days later when I checked the billing details.

Called again, was totally pleasant and friendly “just want to figure out what happened.” Not only did she fix my bill and remove the $30 worth of non-plan texts messages, we started a new contract and, DUDE, she gave me a $70 credit.

I tell Spawn regularly, always call if you have a problem with any business. I did not expect them to take a total of $100 off my $70ish/month bill.

Score! <3 Sprint so much. I don’t mind signing new contracts at all because they always treat me really well and in unexpected ways.

Part of me wants to write a message to my baby brother as he graduates from High School, but since he doesn’t really read my blog, it wouldn’t really be for him.  I think I’ll save it and put it in a card.

Part of me wants to write as a proud mama and talk about how Spawn played in his school’s talent show, but I wasn’t there and he doesn’t really like my telling his stories when I don’t have the full information.

Part of me wants to complain about the bad stuff, but there’s not an overwhelming amount of it.  People I haven’t seen in a while ask me how I’ve been and I answer "Really good and really bad…  at the same time."  There’s not really an average in the middle ground, it’s just a combination of good and bad and they are keeping separate.

Part of me wants to write about party season and how busy *everyone* is.  How people are amazed when I start telling them all the stuff I’ve been up to and all the stuff I have planned, but then they say "Huh.  You know, I’ve been going to a lot of parties and events, too…" and realize that I’m not all that much busier than they are right now, they just hadn’t really thought of it.  But that would turn into something else entirely, I already know it.

Part of me wants to just not post today, but there’s no good reason fot that.

So I’ll just list off all the things I’m not blogging about and the reasons why and leave it at that.

My stockpile of pre-written posts are all used up, so I have to start over from scratch once inspiration strikes.  In the meantime, here’s what’s going on…

I’m focusing on my music again.  Not only did I write a new song, which is somewhat of a departure for me, but in going through my songbook (songs I’ve written), I found that there were a few that I had forgotten about.  It looks like they only need a little bit of work in order to be brought up to snuff.  It’s nice to not only have new songs flowing again, but to also have some things to go back to and finish.

Additionally, I’ve been feeling the urge to find other musicians to collaborate with.  I don’t know how easy this will be to find, but the concept appeals to me and I’m making an effort outside of the people I already know.  Hopefully, at the very least, this will lead to me expanding my social circle, which is something I’ve been flailing about trying to figure out how to do.

I figure if my career is going to be somewhat turbulent, maybe I can get some consistency in my music.  We’ll see how that goes.

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Ever since I did that meme that I got from Princess, I’ve decided to make a point to read the unread books that I own.  Being the brilliant person that I am, I decided to start with the longest and possibly most difficult one.  Now, I read fast.  It’s not unusual for me to finish a light novel in a day, but I can’t read more than 50 pages at a time of Cryptonomicon (and at 1150 pages, it means I should be done in a month or so).  In addition to being daunting subject matter, I can’t shake the feeling that Stephenson used this book as an excuse to put into print all the $10 words he knows.  Sure, I can understand "Victorian foofawfery" in context, but damned if I can define it otherwise.

Being the technocratic technophile that I consider myself to be, I do find the subject matter fascinating.  Being the avid science fiction fan that I am, I’m drawn into the genre, however one defines it.  Being as fascinated as I am by etymology and words in general, I understand pretty much all he’s saying, even if he says it in overly-loquacious ways.  I’m exactly the type of person who should be reading this book.  And it is KILLING ME.

There are reasons these books are unread in such great numbers.

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People keep telling me I’m being "mysterious" because I’m trying to shy away from my usual "full-disclosure" mode.  I’m writing a song, but I don’t want to show it off until it’s finished, so I’m hedging my answers when people ask about it.  I have some potential things being set up in the background, but I don’t want to get excited or get my hopes up about things that are possible, at best right now.  Apparently this is so out of the ordinary for me that people seem to think I’m actively HIDING things.

Good grief, can’t a girl have *some* secrets?  Especially short-term ones?

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Spawn and I went to see Indiana Jones and the Men from Mars Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  I went in with low expectations, which were met, but not exceeded, so I was satisfied, but not really thrilled.  Glad I went to a matinee.  Also, we went to a new theater in the area and I was HIGHLY impressed with that, so it wasn’t really a loss at all…

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I was told earlier, in different words, that on some level I am more objectionable than Ozzy Osbourne.  Heh.

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I got whistled at while I was walking through the park this weekend.  It was a real ego boost.  Three cheers for the tit shirts!

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So far, I have plans for 4 of the next 9 weekends, and it’s not even June yet!  Thankfully the weekends aren’t all the way filled yet, so I’ll still have room for last-minute stuff…  unless people start trying to claim my time early.

This doesn’t count major mainstream movie releases.

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I’m not sure what else there is to say here…  although I will put out that I am an extremely lucky woman to have as true and loyal friends as I do.  But that’s a much longer statement than this particular post warrants and eventually it will be a rehash of things I’ve said before in a real post.

I come out of this weekend with so many stories, some of which I’m not allowed to tell, I’m still trying to figure out *how* to tell them without leaving obvious gaps.

Here’s one to tide you over, the walking story…

On Friday I wore heels for 6+ hours. Granted, they were comfortable, but since I almost exclusively wear flats, they certainly took their toll.

Saturday was Tulip Fest, so we walked for hours and hours and hours just around and around the park. That didn’t help my poor, old, tired feet.

Girl and I walked to Slockin’s party, a good 10 minute walk and drank and drank. She walked elsewhere, while I hung around for a while.

I left the party and promptly sprained my ankle within the first two blocks of what should have been a 10 minute walk home.

I’m not walking so good now. Good thing I have thw option to keep the rental car for an extra day. Heh.

More (and better) stories to come as I get the wording right…

PS I’m fine. I’ve had sprains before and this one is minor. Unless I do something stupid, I’ll be back up and around by next weekend.