Campfyre Stories

So about a week before I went to DC, I put an ad on Craigslist to ask about area open mics that I might be able to play.  I had mentioned to only one person who didn’t know me that I was planning on bringing my guitar.  This information got around.  When I arrived in DC and got to the restaurant where the team was meeting, I was immediately asked if I brought my guitar and if I had found an open mic.  Apparently, word got around and everyone was intrigued by this potential.

Well, I had brought my guitar, and I had found an open mic.  A couple of people had recommended a place called Iota and I fully intended to go ahead and play there on Wednesday.  It is apparently *the* place for open mics in the area.  We decided to make an evening of it and have dinner there as well, since their menu was pretty nice-looking.

So I had to leave work a little early, and my boss drove me to Arlington.  I have this thing where I hate to be late so much that I even hate to be on time, so when I got there with only 5 minutes to spare, I was a little concerned.

The way it worked was that everyone planning to play raises their hand.  The host takes a count and then puts the numbers 1-whatever in a hat for everyone to pick out of.  Now, me?  Ideally, I like to go on somewhere early, but not first.  Somewhere in the 5-10 range is perfect for me.  This goes extra for an open mic I have never been to, so that I can get a feel for the place and the type of music they play there.

We were told that we would only have one song per person, since there were so many people, so imagine my abject terror when I reached into the hat and pulled number ONE.  I kind of freaked out a little and asked if I could be moved, but they said no.

So my boss gets on the phone and starts calling everyone on the team.  "This is what time Fyre is playing.  If you want to see here, get here right away."  Heh.  Honestly, I don’t feel like I’m worth all that much effort, and having people I’ve only just met making this big deal about my playing kind of rattles me.  That’s ok, though, I’m pretty much fine before and during a performance.

Well, 8/12 of the team made it in time, and we’re talking, with a *very* short time to spare.  I got up on stage, introduced myself and started playing.

To an amazingly obnoxious bass feedback coming out of the monitors.

So I stopped in the middle of the first verse and said "I can’t play like this.  Can you fix this feedback?  It’s ruining my song."  Which they did, and I picked back up at the start of the first verse (Happily Ever After starts on a chorus) and played through to a lessened (but not gone) bass hum.

I got off stage and started shaking like crazy.  This always happens.  All the nervous energy hits me when I’m finished, not before I go onstage.  It’s not so much a fear of performance as a fear of being judged for my performance.  It means that when people tell me how good I am or how much they liked it, I don’t believe them and think that they’re trying to spare my feelings.  I’m getting MUCH better about just taking the compliments, though.

I felt like I had left them unsatisfied, though.  Lyrically, it was my best song, but vocally and instrumentally I have better songs.  Also, only being able to play one song didn’t show my repertiore at all.  Oh well, not much that can be done about it.

When I went to put my guitar in my boss’ car, he gave me *real* feedback, constructive criticism, which is so rare and so valuable.  I don’t get it often except from my family, so it was nice to hear a non-relation give me something to work with.  He also alluded to some important people he knows who could be good contacts for me to have, but I don’t know if that will actually pan out.  Considering I play and write as a hobby more than anything else, it’s not something I need to dwell on.

The rest of the evening was dinner, followed by karaoke.  One of the members of my team is a most excellent singer, as I learned at karaoke, and I’d love to work with him, perhaps in a duet situation.  He lives in my area, so this is a definite possibility that I will most certainly pursue.

On the topic of karaoke, I only have one thing to say.  When someone is deciding not to come, the words "Come on, man, I sang for you, it’s your turn to sing for me," SHOULD NOT EVER WORK.  But it did.  I am amused and slightly impressed with myself for that.  Also, for not following it up with other statements that probably would have worked to my detriment.

So, there you go.  That’s one story.  Sort of.

Ok, so I’ve been feeling and saying for a long time that I really need to find people to collaborate with musically.  That said, this is a HARD town in which to connect with people.  It’s all about who you know.

So I put a post on CraigsList.  Oh yeah, I’m pretty much doing the internet dating thing only with music.  The major difference is that instead of a pic, they want to hear my music, which is, unfortunately, what I want to break away from.  Fundamentally, the songs that are on MySpace are typical of what I write when it’s just me and my guitar - slow, sweet, unrequited love songs.  I want to do something else, something MORE and I need musicians who are better and more diverse, instrumentally, than I am.

I can write to anything.  I can sing to a lot of things.  I don’t want to stay stuck in this box.

Ok, so…  the responses have been in good numbers.  I think in two days I’ve gotten at least 10 replies, all of whom received responses from me, but few of whom have kept up an email volley.  I’m trying not to read in, they may just not have had time.  The possibility does exist, though, that they didn’t like my voice or found my style (which, again, I’m trying to escape) off-putting.  Again, trying not to read in.

So now I’ve been kind of chatting with these guys (all guys so far) and sending them the link to MySpace and telling them that I plan to be at my regular open mic tonight if they want to meet/listen to me/talk in person.  A couple of people have told me that they’ll probably come and check it out.

And I have no idea what to play.

I mean, ok, clearly I should not play any of the songs from MySpace because they’ve already heard them.  That said, most of my other songs are pretty damned close and typical of what I’ve done so far.  The handful of songs that are somewhat out of the box for me are relatively unpracticed and seem chancy to pick to play tonight.  As a result I am feeling pretty "meh" about not only the open mic, but my songs in general and my musicianship.

I know I’ll get over it by the time I actually take the stage, but at the same time, this is really not the week to be feeling "meh" about my music.  Not if I’m going to be trying to meet musicians to work with as time goes on…

I’m not a sappy, sentimental person most of the time.  I rarely cry at movies, I don’t think I’ve ever cried over a book.  I’m outwardly pretty emotionally cold most of the time.  I remember when I was 9 and my grandmother died, I played the same sad song over and over and over again until it moved me to tears.  It wasn’t that I was unaffected, it was just that I didn’t have that outward emotional reaction.

Some would say this is unhealthy.

Sometimes it is.  Sometimes when things get really a bad, a good cry can do a world of good, but the older I get, the harder it is to force it if it just won’t come on its own, so I do the best I can.

But, I think, it only really applies to sadness.  I share my joy and laugh freely (as almost anyone can attest).  When I’m angry, I stand up for myself and remedy the situation.  I love with abandon, but…  I’m not allowed to share that with everyone because of the societal rules that are put on it.

I can tell my girls that I love them.  I can tell my family I love them.  With the boys…  not so much, though.  There are a couple I can say "…and that’s why I love you," but it’s more likely to come out as "…and that’s why you’re my friend."  Love is a four-letter word and its use is restricted specifically to romance among non-relations.

*sigh*

But I do love freely.  And when I say "love" I don’t mean "marry me".  It makes me wish that there was a wholly different word that means "in love" or "romantic love" because love is so much more than the boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife thing.

It’s hard for me, because every now and again, I find myself leaning toward that "in love" with people who I really just love, but can’t tell.  I think it’s something that’s been a problem in a lot of my romantic relationships - that the taboo of feeling love means that the only way to say it and feel it and have it be acceptable is to be lovers.  That sucks.

When I was a teenager, I adored the freedom of cuddling with my friends.  Of feeling like I could sit in M’s lap or lean against him with his arm around my shoulders and have it just be what it was.  It wasn’t until much MUCH later that I found out that he…   all the hes…  wanted it to be more, but were ok with taking what they could get.  I would have lived a happier, if more naive, life not having known about the "wanting more".

I probably only have one male friend now who I can stand next to with my arm around his waist and his arm around my shoulder and not feel like we’re doing something wrong.  He knows that I’ve "adopted" him as my brother and there’s no weird tension.  We’re both touchy-feely people and it’s not awkward, but he’s rare in my life these days.

And the problem is that my outlet for this lack of outward, identified, pure love for the people who are important in my life is to write love songs.  Romantic love songs.  Unrequited love songs.

Not written to the men who I wish I could tell in simple terms that they are important to me, but to men who I have created a fantasy of romantic love around.  I’ve fallen so far into this idea that I’m not even really sure what "in love" means anymore.  Not because I haven’t felt it, but because I’m questioning my own definition and the line between what it’s acceptable to say and what might make people uncomfortable simply because I have different parts.

I’ve realized that this is really my genre.  When people ask "what kind of songs do you write?" the answer is love songs.  Sometimes it’s not about a boy, or it’s some kind of departure, but fundamentally, they’re all love songs.  I may very well be in love with the concept of love in all its forms.

With one primary exception, I fall in and out of infatuation with people pretty regularly.  I fall for someone long enough to write a song about the feelings I’m experiencing and then I move on.  Sometimes it’s a friend of mine, sometimes it’s someone I only know a little, sometimes it’s someone I have created in my head, but it’s generally pretty brief and I get over it and move on to the next crush.

When I don’t get over it, it’s a little scary.  When I get over it for a little while and it comes back, it’s more than a little scary.  When it’s there so strongly that writing a song doesn’t even mitigate the feelings, it’s downright terrifying.  Since I’ve been really writing songs (let’s call it the past 4-5 years), that has only happened once…  and hasn’t gone away.

And I’m not one to be weepy and sentimental and gushing.  I’m a lot more prone to assuming that He already knows and isn’t interested or he would have said something.  This is stupid, I am aware, but it’s less stupid than losing an important person from my life entirely.  So what did I do?  Well, I wrote a song.  Not about him, but about my own knowledge of the risks of saying something and the difficulty of not saying anything and being resigned to never actually acting on the feelings that simply won’t go away.

And it’s pretty.  It’s another unrequited, romantic love song.  But some part of me can’t help but wonder if I could branch out from this niche I’ve locked myself into and stop myself from falling in and out of infatuation, if only it were possible to tell more of the people I love platonically how much they mean to me, in the words that define it in my head, and in my heart.

Apparently, the second time is the charm.  I suppose it could have gone better, but I never would have asked for more.

I got there very early and almost immediately saw several people I know (and have known for years).  I signed up as soon as the sheet went down and wound up being the second person on.  I would have prefered being somewhere in the 4-6 range, but, hey, no worries.

The hostess was actually there this time and she runs things so smoothly.  It just makes the whole thing that much better.  The quality of the performers was higher this time, too.  I think there must have been some bizarre fluke last time with all the crazy things going on.

I got a ton of compliments from random strangers about how my voice is so "high and pretty".  It really hits me when people I don’t know make a point to tell me they like what I do.  I also have kind of a weakness for the word "pretty", so I was pretty pleased with the end result.

As I performed, the boom on the mic stand slowly drifted downward.  About halfway through my first song, I had to stop playing, adjust the mic stand and pick up where I left off.  I skipped a verse in the song, but since it’s one I wrote, no one noticed.  In between the songs, the host (m) came and actually fixed the mic, which really kind of threw me off a little.  I didn’t reposition myself well, so I struggled a bit, but held it together.

I met a really cool guy who plays a 6-string banjo like a guitar and also writes songs.  There’s a possibility of collaboration with him in the future.  We’ll have to see what happens, but I’m totally up for working with other musicians for sure.

I also have a Plan in the works, but a lot of it is dependent on timing and specific dates.  I still have to flesh it out, but I am absolutely feeling better about the whole music thing. 

Also?  So.  Very.  Tired.  Even though I got home around midnight, I was so amped that I didn’t get to sleep until 2am.  I think I can do this every other week, but there’s no way I could go back to doing it every week, mid-week.  It’ll work out, though.  Time will tell how, but I know it will.

…so part of me was really looking forward to today.

However, as it progressed, I became more and more disheartened in the day itself.  My interview was cancelled and, despite sending out more resumes than I remembered to count, all I got in return was an out of office reply :-/  Meh.  Blah.

But, then I started a new blog, which needs a better template for sure, and maybe some more links (suggestions are appreciated) and, since it’s a pop culture blog, I decided that I needed to go see a movie to review.  My brother, RC2 couldn’t join me, so I ventured out on my own, which I generally don’t like, but, for the review blog, I can do it.

And everything changed. 

I have a bit of a crush on the Greek (heritage) boy who works at the local cafe, but I don’t see him there very often.  Being as shy as I am with new people (shut up, I really AM shy with new people), I never actually got up the guts to introduce myself, but in my natural flirtatious state, he and I got to talking.  He’s a musician, too…  not only that, but an acoustic guitar, folky singer/songwriter who lives right around the corner from me.  Well,  a couple of days ago, I got re-motivated to pick up the guitar again, and, upon sitting down, wrote a new song.  I’m still pretty burnt out on playing by myself at the same place and, frankly, I had been feeling stagnant for a while, I also need to find some new bases of support as the old ones aren’t really there much anymore.

So I gave him my number…  and my name…  and got his name.  *blush*  He’s really very cute and I totally crush him, but I want this to be about the music…  even if he’s pretty…  maybe he can inspire me (and I mean that without ANY undertones - I need a new source of inspiration).  I hope he calls.  And, no, I know what you’re thinking, and while I may be thinking it too, I’m not putting that particular cliche into words…  yet.

Anyway, saw an excellent movie and wrote what I feel to be a good review to launch the Firing Range (even if it does need more work). 

My day got much better, and I’m feeling a little more lucky right about now.

Mock me if you must, but DAYUM, Dolly Parton is one of my top songwriting heroes.

And I don’t even listen to country music.

Go figure.

Points for knowing the title of the song.  On a side note, is anyone playing for points?

I’m picking fights off of my forum.  I’m taking things way too personally.  I’m cutting myself off from certain people in the hopes that I won’t jump down their throats because they are pissing me off.

Yeah, I’m bitchy this week.

A friend of mine was asking me about my music.  I was really ready to talk about it, too…  to talk about how I’m not feeling inspired, but how, also, I’m feeling a little abandoned by those who were previously supportive.  It’s a rough place to be in.  I want to be playing and writing and I’m just not doing any of it.  My callouses are almost entirely gone

So this friend got me to talking about it…  and then metaphorically skipped off and got distracted by a shiny object.  I was grieving a little, on the verge of tears, ready to actually talk about it and was further abandoned in the endeavor.  It made things worse on the musical front.

I’ve got very little patience for people pulling bullshit with me, and it seems like quite a few people are.  I’ll listen to anyone’s problems, but I refuse to be dumped on.  If you have looming deadlines, you can bitch, but don’t put that shit on me, don’t make me feel like I’ve made it worse.  If you’re in a situation where you don’t want to be, one that’s BAD for your mental well-being, don’t get on my case for saying that maybe you’re not meant to live with other people - something you, yourself have told me NUMEROUS times in the past.

I’m just getting really tired of being yelled at for things that aren’t my fault…  and I’m getting tired of people asking how I’m doing and asking specific questions about specific aspects only to abandon me when I start to talk about the things that I inherently keep closed off.

Maybe I’m not the one that’s bitchy…  maybe it’s that handful of people instead…  but it doesn’t really matter.  It just all makes me tired, regardless of who is fault, if there’s even any fault to be had.

~FG };^/

I can’t even run a simple errand without getting some kind of story out of it.  This is just how things go.

After recording, I had 8 packages of CDs that needed to be sent out.  I think that all the local people got one handed to them right around (if not before) Christmas, and that was the goal, but the long-distance folks had to wait. 

On my walk to the Post Office, I stopped in the Ultraviolet Café for a cappuccino.  I found myself enticed by their pumpkin cheesecake, so I bought a slice to save for later.  This meant a to go box and figuring out how to carry it, so I emptied my bag of all the mail I needed to send and put the cheesecake in the bottom. 

The girl behind the counter asked me if I eBayed, since I had a lot of packages.  I explained that I had recently recorded and these were the CDs that I needed to send out.

“OH!  I know you!” she cried.  “You play at the Lark Tavern.  I’ve seen you perform.  You’re fantastic.  I love your stuff, you have a great voice.”

I was stunned.  I’ve ran into people outside of performances before, but never someone that I didn’t also recognize.  Usually I meet other performers, this was the first time I was solely on the receiving end of things.

Now I have a big(ger) ego.  That was a very cool thing.

~FG };^>

It’s only fairly recently that I really began to understand the term “star-crossed lovers”. 

I have this friend…  well, a couple of them actually, but we’ll start with one.

Finish Reading »

Busy weekend that I’m in the midst of today.  I started off by picking up my cute little rental car.  Drove all over creation for a while and eventually got myself to the studio to lay down another few tracks and fix the one “broken” one.  All of the new stuff (and one of the old) can be found here.

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