Campfyre Stories

I feel like I’ve spent a large portion of my life bearing the weight of intolerance for being different.

When I was young, it was because I wasn’t "from" there and didn’t fit the mold of what was known.  This started around when I was 7 or 8 and we moved to New York State and lasted through high school.

As an adult, it was because I didn’t buy into the same level of political activism or partisan beliefs as some of my friends or acquaintances.  I’ve been called derogatory names from both sides of the political spectrum for not fitting neatly into a partisan box.

Later, much later actually, it was intolerance of being fat.  What’s interesting to me is that for a long time I didn’t have the blatant denigration of random people, that’s a recent development.  Call it within this decade, as obesity rates have skyrocketed, especially among children.  Even when heroin-chic models (a la Kate Moss) first became popular, someone being fat didn’t give the rest of the world free reign to mock and deride them for it.

The thyroid medication allows me to think more clearly, and to see more clearly sometimes.  I went from depression to apathy to anger about what I see around me.  There was a recent discussion that I could not allow myself to really participate in.  A friend of mine claimed that it was internet anonymity rearing its ugly head, but the truth is that people who feel so negatively about overweight people (in general, but more specifically women) don’t need that veil of anonymity.

It’s actually so acceptable that even fat people are intolerant of fat people.  They look at people bigger than themselves and assume they know their eating habits (poor, junk food), their exercise habits (non-existent) and their medical history (fine except that they’ll be a drain on the system once the negatives of being so fat kick in).

I have a serious problem with hypocrisy in general, but I have an even more serious issue with hypocrisy-laden intolerance.

Like people who gorge themselves on crap fast food and rarely exercise, but keep a svelte figure deride those who are overweight for poor eating habits.  They know they’re among the lucky ones in terms of size and shape, but inside they’re at least as damaged by their diet as the very people they scorn.

These are people who think that as long as they look fit, they ARE fit and, if they’re anything like the most mainstream people I know, they’re not likely seeing a doctor to even find out if everything is right on the inside.  They fit the societal mold of "looking good", therefore, they are better than the disgusting fatties they are FORCED to look at.

*sigh*

And it’s an issue that I am WAY too close to.

This post is leading somewhere, but there are a lot of things I need to say first, just to clarify.

I believe in karma.  Not in the traditional Buddhist way, but only within a lifetime.  I don’t believe that things like karma carry over or follow you around.  I believe that true faith makes things real, so if you are a true Christian and live your life in a Christ-like fashion, that Heaven will await you in the afterlife.  Whatever beliefs that have honest, true and devout faith behind them will be true in the end, but I also believe that karma happens to everyone, so it cannot carry over, not if you’re not going to have another life after this one.

I believe that the things you do come back to you.  I believe that the choices you make in life lead to the decisions that are imposed upon you.  I believe that if you are a fundamentally good person, then good things will generally come to you, if only you can see/find them.  I believe that "sin", however you define it or phrase it, is a matter of doing something with the certain knowledge that what you are doing is WRONG.  I believe that when people are kind, without wanting anything in return, kindness must be returned to him/her.  I believe that when you are the recipient of significant kindness, you owe a karmic debt, not to a god or omniscient power, but to the universe as a whole.

I believe that karmic debt can be inherited if a person passes on either owing or being owed.  My father, for example, told me that he helped more people move than he could count, but when it came time for him to move, often people were scarce.  I, however, have always been happy or, at least willing, to help people move, but I can’t think of any (although there must have been some) who took me up on that.  When people could have used me, I’ve always been unavoidably out of town or with long-standing, unbreakable plans.  I think I am the recipient of my father’s karmic moving credit.

I believe that karma only applies when no sort of ROI is expected.  When you do something out of pure generosity or kindness, it just exists.  If there is any (perceived, at least) measure of obligation, that obligation negates any karma that would have otherwise been accumulated.

I believe that there are some things that are fated to happen, though they are not always dependent on the where.  I believe that the order of the universe is most organized when debts are paid between the people who back-and-forth share karmic debts and credits.  If a friend buys me a cup of coffee, I’d much rather treat that person to dessert or buy him/her popcorn at the movies than to hand them a couple of dollars as repayment.  I believe that illustrates my concept of karmic debt/credit as well as anything else.

I believe that favors are obligations and they are outside the karmic system.

And because I believe all of those things, I try, very hard, to keep my karma in balance.

So I’ve been taking Synthroid for almost a month now and had my follow up visit with the doctor.  He started by asking me how I was feeling and I told him that I started feeling better within days of taking the 50, but not great.  The 75 again gave me improvement and I feel better now than I have in years, though I still feel like there’s room for more improvement.  He said that was what he was expecting and hoping to hear.

It turns out that my blood work came back normal.  Not even low-normal, much of it was center-normal.  However, based on my symptoms and my improvement on the Synthroid, he feels that he’s made the correct diagnosis and we’re going to continue to fine-tune the dosage in order to figure out where I ought to be.  I’ll finish the rest of the week on the 75, then start 4 weeks on 100.  Unless I have an adverse reaction to the 100 dose, he’ll prescribe me another month of that, then I’ll go for follow-up blood work.  Basically, at this point, we need to find the magic numbers where I’m actually normal so that in the future I can explain what’s going on.

I really like this doctor because he takes the time to explain to me what’s going on and what everything means.  My lipids and cholesterol are all in bad shape, but because he’s sure that it’s my thyroid causing that, we’re ignoring those numbers for now.  Everything else is fantastic - bp, respiration, heart, etc.  I’m in excellent health for a fat smoker (though Dr. Kelleher doesn’t put it in those terms )

I feel so lucky to have found this doctor, who diagnoses and treats based on the symptoms of the individual, rather than by the numbers that come back from the blood work.  It also worries me, though, on a broader scale.  If I do have a serious thyroid problem (which is pretty evident already), with these truly normal test results, I can’t imagine how many doctors I might have had to go through and how far down it would have dragged me emotionally.  After the humiliating and degrading experience I had with Dr. Angelotti, I can only guess that there are a lot of fat women out there who are remaining undiagnosed simply because they don’t want to be further put down and accused of behaviors that don’t necessarily fit them.

I recently came to the conclusion that fat intolerance is the last acceptable form of bigotry in the United States, and it’s a serious problem.  Women, I think, experience it more than men do, since we’re supposed to be petite and pretty and visually pleasing to men, but studies show that fat people (men and women) get paid less and get fewer promotions than thin people.  It’s a serious problem.

I’m lucky in that my weight will probably be largely managed by the Synthroid, but I have serious concerns about the overall issue and it’s something that I think people really need to take a closer look at.  Even I, as a fat chick, judge people who are fat…  usually ones larger than me, usually when they’re eating fast food or taking the bus only a block or two, but it’s not an excuse, it’s (socially) acceptable bigotry and I am guilty of it too. 

It’s something I need to work on.  It’s something we ALL need to work on.

I was apprehensive, and when I told people about my awful experiences with doctors, they understood that.  I spent the past week trying to be guardedly optimistic about my impending doctor’s appointment, but more than anything I was WORRIED.  After the last doctor I saw, I was sure that it was going to be more of the same.

My mother came with me.  Partly to advocate for me, partly to help me fill in some of the family medical history.

I filled out all the paperwork and then the doctor told me that his questions might be redundant, but that he wanted to get a comprehensive head-to-toe history.  It didn’t take long before the thyroid stuff came up.  My mom was talking about her Graves Disease and expanding on that to explain that every woman in my family, on both sides, has had some form of thyroid disease.  One of my great-grandmothers even died from thyroid cancer.  As the doctor asked more questions, I started telling him about the way the last doctor I saw treated me.

"Did you hit her?"  He asked, when I told him about the "fat women looking for an excuse" comment that was made to me.  "I wanted to," I said, in the same moment my mother replied with "She wanted to."

The more he heard about my most recent experience, the angrier and more frustrated he got.  The things he told me in response were things that I had said or asked in my last (humiliating and horrifying) doctor’s visit.  He explained everything he thought and everything he wanted to do.

My exam was routine and the doctor was talkative and friendly, explaining WHY he was doing everything and how I was doing.  Again, I learned, I am remarkably healthy for a fat smoker.  Heh.

We went back to his office and he handed me a prescription to get my blood work done.  It came with a list of the tests he wanted run and what his diagnosis was.  He then gave me 4 weeks worth of medication for what he believes is hypo-thyroid.  He explained that if we’re right and this is a problem, we need to start treatment immediately, but if we’re wrong and my thyroid is ok, then it won’t do me any harm.  I’m to start taking it *after* I’ve had my blood drawn for the blood work.

He wants me to quit smoking, but understands the weight issue.  He said we’ll come back to that once we have the other problems I’m experiencing under control.  I’m at the point where I WANT to quit smoking, but I just cannot risk adding another 50lbs to being already as overweight as I am.  I’m ready to look into quitting once everything else is stabilized.

I like this doctor.  He’s been practicing medicine for as long as I’ve been alive, but he keeps up on new developments, not just in his field.  Years ago, he inherited the patients of an endocrinologist he was going into practice with, and had to learn about thyroid disorders fast.  He did so thoroughly.

Emotionally, I already feel better.  Hopefully the next few weeks will start to give me a physically better feeling.  In four weeks (right around when I run out of the thyroid pills he gave me, I’ll go back, we’ll look at the test results, see how I’m doing and figure out the best long-term course of treatment.

My mother and I both came away with a sense of relief and respect for this man.  I actually trust him, and that’s a really nice thing to have found.

Now I just need to wait and see what happens.  I’ll fast tonight and have my blood drawn tomorrow morning.  By Thanksgiving I should know for sure what’s going on.

Turns out, wanting to know what’s WRONG with me, and trying to find a course of treatment wasn’t too much to ask.  I just had to ask the right person.

This is not worth reading.  It’s not worth your time and the subject line is VERY accurate.  It’s a whole lot of me whining and I seriously considered password protecting it.  In the interest of having nothing to hide, I changed my mind on that front, but still, really, don’t bother.

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I had a really good day, then got some really crappy implied news.

I think I’m being usurped.

I’m not ready to talk about it yet.

Ok, here we go, instead of dwelling on the negatives (which I am trying not to do), I’m going to ask the Universe for the help that I need.

One Good Thing.  Not an experience, not an encounter, but One Good Thing to start and continue.  I don’t think I’m asking for a lot…  Really, I just need one positive constant right now to keep me going and to remind me that it’s not all bad and that the bad won’t last forever.

I won’t put specifics on it, because I don’t feel like it needs to be a specific thing, but it needs to be something prominent enough that I will notice it, and that I can fall into it while everything else falls apart around me.  Something I can use as shelter, something I can use as an escape, something.

One Good Thing.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask for, and right about now, I really, desperately need it.

Please?

I’m not a very patient person.  I have very little patience for the shifting of blame and no patience at all for people’s personal bullshit.  I don’t play mind games and I call people on it when they try to play them with me.  I don’t like apologies because I think that if it’s something that you need to apologize for, and is something for which you have apologized in the past, then an apology is meaningless.  I don’t want words, I want you to STOP THAT BEHAVIOR.

All that said, I am an empathetic person.  I will listen with sympathy and (as hard as it is for me to do) not offer unsolicited advice.  If you are my friend, then I am automatically on your side and loyal to whatever cause we’re fighting for in the moment.  I will afford you more patience than most others get.

However…

The people who consider me a friend generally do so because of (or maybe sometimes despite) my opinionated honesty. I try to rein it in, I really do, and make every effort to wait until I am *asked* because at least then they know what they’re in for. Sometimes, though, sometimes I see the same bad judgment, the same destructive behavior, the same shifting of the blame and I am truly COMPELLED to meddle where I haven’t been invited and that’s not good.

You see, it’s not that I’m giving an *opinion*, it’s that I wind up pointing out a very harsh and painful truth and people don’t take that well.

But _I_ get tired of hearing the same drama play out with a new cast of characters. I become drained and rather intolerant. There comes a point where, when the same things keep happening, you HAVE to question the choices YOU make instead of blaming the rest of the world.

It’s like this:  I was a secretary for 5 long years.  I bounced around from job to job and every single job I worked made me miserable.  It was never MY fault, though…  it was always the people I worked for, or the other people in the office, or the people on the phone who were whining or screaming or whatever.  It was never ME, how could it possibly be anything to do with me, I’m wonderful.

Except that it KEPT happening.  And each new job would start out so much better, but within a few months I was back having the EXACT same problems and making the EXACT same complaints and feeling EXACTLY as miserable as I had when I left the previous job(s).  There came a point where I had to face the fact that maybe it wasn’t everyone else.  Maybe it wasn’t just bad luck that I was always finding the worst jobs with people who would treat me badly and want me to do things that made me miserable.  Maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t the rest of the world "out to get me".

Maybe it was me.

And it WAS me.  I’m not cut out for secretarial work.  It has nothing to do with me as a person, or the people I work with, I am just not suited to be in that role.  I need something more challenging and, honestly, less taken for granted.  So I switched careers and made a change, but before that could happen I had to take on the responsibility and quit shifting the blame.

The problem is that a very dear friend of mine is in the middle of this cycle and it’s becoming extremely destructive.  Not only do I find myself listening to the same outraged tales over and over again (with different names involved), but when it finally gets to the point where she simply can’t take it anymore, she runs away.  She literally runs away from the entire situation, packing her bags, leaving her "home" and moving to a completely different location where she no longer has to even consider the idea of possibly running into those people on the street.

For nearly a decade, I have been on her side.  I have been loyal and true and outraged on her behalf, but I only just realized that she’s in a holding pattern and that I am just so tired of having the same damned conversation and listening to the same damn problems and allowing her to shift that blame again and again and again while she claims that she has no fault and is constantly surrounded by emotional vampires.

And again, I have no patience for bullshit.  These toxic people are the same kind of people that I have cut out of my life when they start to drain me, use me, dump on me, treat me badly…  I have NO tolerance for that sort of thing and if all I get in return are mere words and apologies with no change in behavior, I’m done.  I don’t need that.  I don’t have the time or the energy to invest in Other People’s Drama.

And yet…  I do it for those I care about.  At least, I do until it gets to the point where I realize that it’s destructive and then I wind up here.

Because I don’t play games, because I have no patience for this sort of thing, because I can see that this is a cycle that needs to be broken…  I’m trying to figure out what to say/how to say it/if I should even make the attempt and I don’t think it’s going to go over well.  The truth is that I’m pretty sure that no matter how I try to phrase it, I’m going to piss her off, maybe to the point where she stops talking to me for an extended period of time. 

That would suck, but at the same time, I can’t help but wonder which would suck more, losing her for some time because she’s pissed off that I told her the truth, or losing her forever because I couldn’t keep up the patience required to not say anything at all.

…and They’re not wrong.

Think about it, think about the busiest people you know. Now think about the most productive people you know. Are they not one and the same?

The reason is that people who are already busy will get things done in order to move on to the next thing. The busier you are, the more Next Things there are to do and the better you get at prioritization.

Social butterflying carries a measure of this. Even if you’re ridiculously busy, you can ALWAYS find time for One More Thing, as long as it’s something you need or want to do. It also allows you the incentive to cut out the not-so-enticing people or events from your social calendar. “I don’t have time,” when true, is a perfectly legitimate excuse.

I find that nearly all of my girlfriends are insanely busy women. It takes some doing, sometimes active scheduling, to find time even for a phone call, but it’s worth it and we never lack for conversation. I find that I don’t have a lot of patience for hearing the same stories over and over again.

Trouble is that when I meet people that I would like to develop a relationship with, they are as busy as I, often not on compatible days. However, as busy as we are, we can generally find a way to make the time, even if it takes some weeks to schedule the plans.

That’s what busy people do.

…until we were halfway through the Bucket List.

10 minutes before the movie ended, it wasn’t the grief in the movie that hit me, but the humor and I started sobbing silently.  Wracked with physical sobs, tears streaming down my face, the only sound I made in the theater was that of blowing my nose.

To tell the whole truth, the light humor in this movie about a dark subject…  this is how it went for us with Dad.  He joked until the end, so we did, too.  It had to be funny because that’s what his whole life was about.

I think, that had I realized what day it was, I would have suggested that we see a movie NOT about people dying of cancer.  Had I realized what day it was, I might have warned the other 5 people who didn’t know me a year ago and not put Princess in the position of having to explain why I was so lost in my emotions that I couldn’t even really move or put on my coat, let alone talk about it.

And I wish I could have explained that it was not only ok, but good for me to have that reaction.  That it wasn’t unhealthy and, while unexpected, it wasn’t too much.  That I’m fine and please keep laughing because, in my family, we don’t do solemn very well or for very long.  That I don’t want to be cajoled or comforted or any of that sort of thing in a movie theater.  That it was the shock of how fitting it was to see this movie, on this day, and not any kind of unresolved emotions or repression that caused me to break like that.  That it was the humor in the movie and the lessening of it in my daily life that made me cry, so much more than the grief.

But I didn’t come away from it feeling judged.  If there was an uncomfortable moment, it’s not one that I feel I need to apologize for and I think that it’s more a situation of others not really knowing quite what to do.  And what they did - just letting me have that moment and then moving on - was exactly the right thing to do.

So I came home and got in touch with someone that I hadn’t seen in a year and hadn’t talked to in a couple months.  I think it was something that we both needed.  And I sent an email to my father’s widow because I knew that she needed to be reached out to a little, too.

But I still wish that I had realized what day it was earlier, and not gotten blindsided by it.