So Thursday a friend of mine said some things that made me think horrible thoughts about myself and, ultimately, shattered my confidence and self-esteem. Not that the words were all that bad, but the implications were what led me down a dark path. I’m trying not to blame his idle conversation for my reading into things, but it doesn’t change the fact.
Friday, after three Wednesdays in a row, I was already in a difficult mood (especially after the shattering thoughts), so when my new (and only) waterproof boots SPLIT and the heel all but fell off, I nearly cried. However, it was raining, so the sky cried for me, and my feet got wet. That night I got a phone call with someone close to me making a request. I’m not allowed to put it on the internet, but the bottom line is that I was asked, very nicely, to do something rather illegal and when I said no, I was made to feel like a heel about it.
The weekend was fine. Sunday was great.
But Daylight Saving kicks my ass. Monday I overslept. I woke up exactly one hour late. My internal clock knows what time it is, too bad that’s not what time it *actually* is. I took a cab to work, which cost me $40. This is something I can deal with from time to time, but I certainly cannot make a habit of it. Ok, fine, a slight stumble, but I made it in on time and with no real worries. Then, I got a phone call from one of Spawn’s teachers. If he doesn’t stay after class on either Tuesday or Friday, he will finish the quarter with a 16, yes, that’s SIXTEEN. (And, yes, that’s out of 100). This, of course, leads to a terrible night between the two of us with him falling into a (familiar) combination of guilt, shame and despair and me feeling bad for having sent him into that spiral. It comes out later that he was having a *really* bad day prior to this, so it didn’t take much to push him over the edge.
Which brings us to today… when I overslept by an hour, again. This time I woke up with a bloody nose (??? WTF???) and blisters on my heels that no shoes are really going to work with. That two-mile hike from the bus stop sure isn’t going to make matters any better. The bus came and was completely PACKED so I had to stand and get shoved and jostled by all the assholes who are ALSO late for work and taking it out on everyone around them. Thankfully, I was able to get a hold of a friend on his way into work, so I didn’t have to make the two mile walk, but having got in an hour late, I’m going to have to stay an hour later than usual and since it’s Movie Night, I’m going to be rushed and stressy and BLAH. Also, my personal information got posted to a very public website, resulting in my having to try to get this asshole banned, or at least his post removed and to freak out even more and try to figure out how to shield this information from trolls who, because of mental instability that a *very* thin skin may try to use it to harass me offline.
And I really just want this to end. I keep trying to start the day with positive thoughts, but I feel thwarted by circumstances. One friend told me that this is probably a transitional period and I need to just ride the wave of changes and come out the other side. Frankly, the other side had better be better than where I started from because this is rapidly getting to the point of unbearable.
It makes me wonder what the almost-butterfly (or moth) feels like just before bursting through the chrysalis. Do you think it’s completely stifling and unbearable and there’s no other choice than to muster all its strength in order to turn into something more mobile, prettier, greater than it was before? It’s a stupid metaphor, I think, but it’s the only one that has occurred to me so far.
The one good thing that I can say right now, though, is that I have some really good and loyal friends. I don’t find it easy to ask for help, and I doubt I ever will, but knowing that when I DO need help, and ask for it, that these people will step up and stand by me makes it less painful to have to do it.