Campfyre Stories

That’s the name of a song that my parents wrote over 20 years ago.

I have found that cliques exist in the least likely of places.  Dictionary.com defines the word "clique" as "A small exclusive group of friends or associates."  I think that most people have that, they just refuse to admit it.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been a part of my fair share of cliques and every single time screamed my head off denying that we were, and every single time I believed it.

Looking back, though, I can see those times that I denied it and why I was wrong.  How all those accusing us of being exclusive, of circling our wagons when one member felt attacked or when the entire group was targeted (usually as being "cliquish"), were really right all along, but being in the midst of it, none of us could actually see it.

I think that’s the problem that everyone encounters, not being able to see things when you’re in the midst of it.  It takes being able to look back on that time period from a new perspective.  Part of the joy of being in a clique is not being able to see it, or even to think that you’re a very warm and welcoming group of people.

The patterns that cliques exhibit tend to be similar across the board as well.  First there is the denial of being a clique at all, then there is the turnabout and placement of blame on the person who called them a clique to begin with.  "We’re not stopping you from spending time with us, you just haven’t tried hard enough,"  or, "You’re just jealous of all the things that make us wonderful."  The point at which the people who are complaining get called names or are made to feel that they are, in fact, the ones at fault is often the telling point.  In debate, this is the point where you lose.  You prove the other person’s point because you have nothing left to refute it.

Cliques are almost always unofficial.  They are not exclusive "clubs" per se, but rather a group of like-minded people or even just compatible personalities that, over time, becomes more selective in who they want to associate with.  I don’t think that it’s ever a conscious decision and it’s rarely exclusive to the point of becoming stagnant.  I can think of several occasions where I saw a clique I wanted to belong to and finagled an invitation to something that would get my foot in the door.

I’m not sure what it is, but it seems that most people who encounter a clique get all worked up at having found it.  I think that in a lot of situations there is a measure of jealousy involved, but not an active one.  People think they want to participate and, instead of trying to find a way in, they instead start screaming and yelling about how horrible people are (to them).

I don’t think that there’s a solution.  I don’t think that there’s anything that will stop people from assuming clique status nor anything that will stop cliques from calling names when they are named as such.  I just find, from time to time, that as an outsider looking in, there’s a lot more truth in being called a clique than most people want to realize.

And I often think to myself that, for both parties, there has to be a better way.

~FG };^>