One of the problems with being a woman in a male-dominated industry is that sometimes, no matter what you do, not matter what you’ve done, no matter how many times you’ve proven yourself, you cannot get a chance. I honestly can’t tell you if it’s something to do with my gender, my personality or the simple fact that I’m the one who’s in a different location from all the rest of the team, but I feel like I’m considered less of an asset than everyone else.
The problem is that I’m really good at what I do. I’m a fast learner and I love to learn how to do new things. I may ask a lot of questions, but once I have my answers, I’ll run with it. I’ve told numerous employers, much to their disbelief, and later delight, that all I need is a week or two of direct training, followed by about 4 weeks of hands-on experience and I will know whatever product or procedure well enough to train other people and to write an manual on how to do it. This is something I have proven time and again.
But now I’ve found myself in a situation where I have a role that does not keep me busy for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I’ve repeatedly asked for more work, and promises have been made that I will get it. Unfortunately, they have decided to put all their eggs in a different basket. Another person (a guy), who has the same amount of ignorance in the roles for which he’s being trained as I do, is being put in a position where the only way I’ll get more work, or get trained is if he learns this stuff well enough to show me how to do it.
That’s right. They decided to ignore my history of and experience with training, and propped up someone equally ignorant to show me how to do the things that even he doesn’t understand.
Which means I have no work… and I have no training to go through… and no one seems to want to allow me to progress, even though this is a prime situation for me to build my skills in areas where I’m lacking. IN fact, that’s a large part of the reason I was assigned to this team in the first place.
This is a new one on me. Never before have I found myself unable to get more work when there is work that needs to be done. This game of waiting on someone who is NOT an expert is not fun for me. I know that when I eventually do get the overview training I need, that I’ll quickly surpass this person, not because of any limitations he has, but simply because I learn incredibly fast and run with the things I have learned. In the meantime, I’m waiting around for him to meet some basic level of competence.
It makes me hate my job. It makes it hard to fall asleep at night. It makes me feel like I’m stagnating.
I haven’t picked up my guitar in probably over a month at this point. I haven’t been writing. I’m not feeling the flow of creativity coursing through me, and that scares me. I don’t think I’m depressed as much as completly ambivalent about everything. I’m numb in general. I’m not really motivated to do much of anything outside of the routine job duties and whatever busy work I can find to occupy my working hours. The rest of the time? My personal time? I feel lost and uninspired.
I suppose the argument could be made that some disturbing developments with petty personal drama could be affecting it, but the truth is, the petty personal drama is the least of my concerns. I’m just not interested in much of anything, and I think that it’s due in large part to the lack of challenge that I face every single day.
There are some people who give up when things get hard. When they face a challenge that is bigger than they are, they simply retreat into themselves. I give up when things are too easy. I figure, if there’s no challenge, why bother? It’s not that I don’t go through the motions, but whatever part of my brain that thrives on new circumstances and figuring out what needs to happen next just shuts down. At this point, I cannot honestly tell if that’s currently happening or if it’s already happened.
And I don’t know how to change it. I’ve been wracking my brain for WEEKS trying to figure out what I can change to fix this problem, but I don’t see any way that *I* can affect it without taking a HUGE risk of making things even worse.
So instead, I’m just maintaining, and losing touch with the parts of me that thrive when my need for challenge and my motivation are filled. It’s not really where I want to be…