Campfyre Stories

I’ve tried, really I have, and I can’t come to any conclusion other than I have failed, miserably, at teaching my child to be responsible for his own actions and choices.  I doesn’t help, of course, that I’m consistently fighting the other parental half saying "He’s only [insert age], it’s something he’ll learn with time."

Well, at 14 he hasn’t learned it yet, and for the past TEN years he’s flat-out refused to do his part to contribute to any household.

Every now and again, he’ll clean up a hairball from one of the cats.  Usually, he puts a new trash bag in the trash can.  Outside of that, there is nothing at all that he does around the house without first being told.  Not asked, because asked means that he will decline.  "Spawn, will you please do some dishes so I can make dinner tonight?"  "Will I or I have to?"  Because "will you?" clearly means if you don’t do it, then I will happily wash the dishes and make you dinner, and then I’ll do the dishes afterward too.

Yeah…  not so much.

I gave him a choice between regularly (as in, the days he’s with me) washing dishes or doing the laundry at the laundromat.  He didn’t like *carrying* the laundry, so I went and bought a wheeled cart for toting the laundry all of a block away…  now he doesn’t want to do laundry anymore.  Of course, he also doesn’t want to do dishes, or make dinner, or anything else that needs to be done.

"I’m a lazy teenager who doesn’t want to work.  What do you expect?"  And *somehow* this is supposed to be a valid reason for him never doing ANYTHING around the house without my first telling him that he has to do it?  Also, I can give some leeway for teenager, but this has been going on his entire life.  "Well, I was an lazy, unmotivated kid, too."  I guess I’m supposed to just allow that this is his nature and not ever concern myself with His Majesty deigning to do common labor.

The reason that it came to a head was that Spawn was gone from Tuesday until Saturday night and, since I hadn’t spent much time with him all week, I took him out to get pizza (which is currently Not Allowed in the house because of my medical dietary issues) and we hit up the used CD store because he wanted to pick something up.  All I asked was to not have to do the dishes every day for an ENTIRE week, so would he please wash the (not a whole lot of) dishes so I could cook.

But his ribs hurt.  And it hurts when he stands (unless we’re going to spend money on him) and it hurts to breathe (although clearly not the breathing that results from walking to the pizzaria) and all he can do is sit in the recliner with his feet up because the poor baby is just in so much pain (but only in the house).  And I’m accustomed to this.  I actually am.  I’m used to the bullshit excuses that he uses so that he doesn’t have to be a productive member of my household, leaving me in a horrible situation of either having to nag him or let him get away with it.

Well…  I lost it.  Lost.  It.  And it’s not even so much that I ALWAYS (no exaggeration) have to TELL him to do whatever work, it’s that I have to NAG him on the days when I have gone out of my way for him, spent money on him, and tried to have a fun time after not seeing him for nearly a week.

I didn’t yell, I didn’t nag, but I lectured.  In a quiet, controlled voice (the scary one that means I’m too angry to even yell) I explained ALL the jobs that he knows need to be done that he NEVER, EVER thinks to do unless I tell him.  I listed off all the things that *I* do because I don’t even really ask him.  I listed off all the things that I do for him that are just for him, and only for me in the sense of "I feel good for having made this person happy," and how I’m done.  I’m done telling him that something needs to be done.  I’m done asking him to pitch in around the house.  I’m done saying "look, I can’t make dinner until the dishes are done and I’m not doing BOTH."

However, I’m also done making sure that what I’m making for dinner is something that he likes.  I’m done asking him what he’d like for dinner or what time he’d like to eat because, frankly, I don’t care anymore.  I’m done matching him dollar for dollar on his pre-paid minutes for his phone.  I’m done taking him to movies or out for dinner or lunch.  I’m done making sure that the weekends he’s with me, I get Netflix movies that he wants to hear.  I’m.  Done.

Because, tell me if I’m wrong, but at 14 years old, there should be SOME give and take here, no?  Some sense of *at the very least* not arguing EVERY SINGLE TIME he’s asked to do anything at all?  If this were a new, teenage thing, that would be one thing, but this has been going on his entire life, and he blatantly refuses to change it, citing "Well, I’m just lazy.  It’s who I am."

And, maybe I’m being overly harsh with the "Fine, I won’t ask you to pitch in, but you don’t get any perks from being my kid," concept, but I don’t know what else to do.  Frankly, I ENJOY treating my kid to fun things and it’s going to be as hard, if not harder on me as it is on him.  But he also wound up shooting his guilty feelings at me last night and I’ll be truly surprised if there isn’t some kind of result from this confrontation, even if it winds up being short lived.

I’m not one to buy into excuses.  I’m not one who puts much stock in "I’m sorry", especially if I’ve heard it over and over again.  Don’t tell me you’re sorry, SHOW ME you’re sorry by changing the behavior.  Don’t tell me that you’re going to do better, actually do better.  Because empty promises and bullshit excuses simply do not hold any water with me.

And I know that I don’t expect more from him than any of his friends are expected to do.  If anything, I expect less, because as a household of two, we don’t generate as much necessary work.  So once every two weeks I ask him to do the laundry, or every other weekend he has to do the dishes.  We’re talking about twice a month…  and not extreme jobs.  Even when we’re doing a housework PROJECT - working together to tackle a major job, like rearranging a room or something of that caliber, he works at about a quarter the pace I work and complains non-stop about how horrible his Cinderella life is.

And I’m out of answers here.  I’ve tried rewarding him for good behavior.  I’ve tried paying him for work he does.  I’ve tried bribing him.  I’ve tried punishing him.  I feel like I’ve tried everything and we’re left with "Well, I’m just a lazy person, it’s who I am."  And none of it works.

So I give up.  Clearly I have failed over and over and over again and instilling a reasonable work ethic into my child.  Regardless of outside factors, I feel like I have have completely failed at this task.

I’m hoping that when I get home from work today he will have done something.  Anything.  Made ANY kind of effort at all to repair the damage that has been done by the continuous bullshit excuses that he gives to try to get out of doing any measure of work.

I want to be a fun mother.  I want to be able to take him out and do nice things for him and feed him meals that are not just healthy, but that he LIKES.  I want to make that effort for him, because that’s the kind of mother I am, but if he is going to fail me in learning the important lessons, why the hell should I go above and beyond the barest minimum expected of a parent?  I think the new lesson to learn here is that you get what you give.

*sigh*

And it really sucks.