Campfyre Stories

I am trying to be less of a hypocrite.

Not that I have serious tendencies toward hypocrisy, but I think that everyone is a hypocrite sometimes about some things.  I am trying to do that less and to be aware of it when I do.

For example, people often say "Someone ought to…", but rarely do they follow that up with either "…and that someone is me!" or even direct action.  I am trying to not use that phrase and/or to be the follow up to the sentiment.

I’m also trying to identify the mirrors that I hate.  You know, the things that I hate in other people, but do or think myself sometimes?  I firmly believe that the things we hate most in other people are the things we really hate about ourselves, and those traits are intensified in others when we look at them.

Selfishness is one of those things, at least to some extent.  Let me start here by saying that I believe that selfishness is much more necessary to being a whole and healthy person than most people are willing to believe.  You simply cannot take care of other people if you are not taking care of yourself first and foremost.  I think that the word selfish has become much more negative than it really needs to be, but I digress.

There’s a difference between being selfish to take care of your emotional (etc.) need and being selfish to the detriment of others and in ways that do not serve you (or anyone else).

I am trying to be happy for a friend who got one thing that he had been hoping and asking for.  I am failing in that attempt.  Instead I am feeling selfish and petulant about the ways in which I will be negatively affected by this.  I am trying to be happy for a friend who is in the process of getting something she’s been wanting and needing for a very long time.  I am failing in that attempt.  Instead, I am feeling jealous of her happiness and success, as the situation is the very one I, too, have been wanting and needing for a very long time.  I am trying to be excited for a friend who is embarking on a wonderful new portion of her life.  I am failing in that attempt.  Instead, I am annoyed that she expects me to ignore my own problems and doesn’t have time to listen to what’s going on in my life.  I find myself avoiding her calls and making excuses because I am so wrapped up in the negativity I’m going through right now that I just don’t have the energy to be excited for her or, honestly, for anyone right now. 

I am trying to keep my perspective.  I am trying not to whine about these things.  If I can’t rid myself of the feelings, at least I can keep myself aware of what they are, why they are and that I don’t like them.

I am trying to be less of a hypocrite.