Campfyre Stories

I’ve been wracking my brain for over an hour and I can only think of one married man that I am friends with.  It’s interesting to me that I’m able to even have the one, but I know his wife and she doesn’t tend to have the same kind of competitive mindset as the majority of mainstream women.  It’s refreshing to have that one person/couple as friends without worry.

That competitiveness has always turned me off from women in general, and is the primary reason that I can count my female friends on one hand, but it’s always caused me to be perceived in highly inaccurate ways, usually by those who don’t understand why I prefer the platonic company of men.

When I was in high school, despite the fact that I had a long-distance boyfriend that I was loyal to - the entire time, who I later married, I was considered a "slut" because I ran around with boys…  most of whom had girlfriends.  There was never anything sexual about it, but catty girls apparently thought there was.

So here are three stories about how my having boobs means I can’t have married male friends…

1) Several years ago, a friend of mine started telling me about this new guy who had started working in our building.  He was a jazz musician and a really cool guy.  "You should totally meet him!" he said.  And so, I made a point to do so…  and my friend was right, this guy was Very Cool.  We became friends very quickly, he was a new parent, I was an old hand at it, he was a jazz musician, we were both looking for people to collaborate with, this was one of those people where you go "Wow, how have I not met you before now?"

And the reason, of course, was his wife.  Or, more specifically, his wife’s mother, who fed her fears that her husband was cheating on her with every woman he encountered.  Clearly, due to convenience, he was cheating at work and either the wife or the girlfriend would drive by from time to time, trying to catch him getting coffee or smoking a cigarette with a (*gasp*) woman.  Obviously, that woman was usually me.

His mother-in-law wound up, at one point, hiring a Private Investigator, on the suggestion of her psychic.  The PI spent several days following ME and a friend of mine who was my standard partner in crime…  we rode together, so it made perfect sense to try to nab two birds with one stone.  But there was nothing going on…  not that we were guilty of, and not that HE was guilty of either.

By necessity, our musical collaboration consisted of him handing me a CD of his music, me writing the words and handing them to him.  Spending our lunch break talking about where the improvement needed to be and a single recording session.

When I left the job we tried to stay in touch, but his wife made it clear that he wasn’t to see me.  She was incredibly suspicious and, though he is a completely devoted husband and father, she simply did not believe him.

I saw him once, about a year ago, when I went to a bar to hear his band (him, his wife and a drummer) play out.  She kept tossing me dagger-like glares as he spoke with me.  More recently, I saw her sitting in with a band I know, so I went up to her, explained who I was and asked if her husband was around.  She seemed more receptive that time, but her response was, essentially, that I could wait there with her and she would supervise the encounter.  In my heart, I still consider him my friend, but, hey, "Call me when you’re single, babe."  Otherwise, it’s just not going to work out.

2) I used to have a weekly lunch date with some guys who work for the same company I do.  There were always at least 3 of us and we’d meet at the same regular place on the same day every week.  I enjoyed the time offsite and it was generally the only lunch I took during the week.

One day I was told "Friend 2 isn’t coming today because he feels like it’s betraying his marriage for you to be at lunch."  Apparently, Friend 2 and his wife had cut a deal that neither would be friends with a member of the opposite sex unless both of them were friends with that person.  My having boobs, essentially, meant that he was betraying this rule of their marriage.

This one hurt a lot.  More, the more I heard about the reasoning.  Essentially, the belief is that if you spend time with a member of the opposite sex, you’ll be tempted to cheat.  Apparently, it’s so far-reaching that it wouldn’t even make a difference if I was a lesbian (I asked).  My personal opinion of this is that it’s dangerous and stupid to taboo an entire half the planet.  The more of a mystique you give to women and the more you’re not allowed to talk to them, the greater the chance that if you do wind up having an encounter that you WILL do something stupid.  You’re setting yourself up.

My other friend in this situation called it, rightly, discrimination and told him that he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he had the same rule based on race or religion, but it didn’t matter.  "I’m starting to feel like you’re my friend…  and that’s not ok based on the rules we laid down in my marriage."  Ouch.

To add insult to injury, I realized shortly after, as more people were invited to join them, that I am (still) the only person in this area working for this company who is not allowed to join this lunch.  Not only am I "dangerous to know", I’m ostracized from the people I ought to be networking with.

3)  Another friend, made through work, he and I clicked immediately.  I get his obscure references and he gets mine.  We have known, pretty much since the day we met that we could be great friends…  if only he were single.

You see, he’s not allowed to have female friends.  What few encounters he has with women make his wife think that he’s having an affair.  Now, in my mind, if he WERE having an affair the smart thing would be to not tell her about it.  I don’t know how her mind works, though.

The problem is that Friend 3 is flirty and sweet and, honey, he is TRUE BLUE.  He may enjoy the company of women, but he’s loyal to his wife, almost to a fault.  He tells her everything he does and everyone he’s spent time with because (I guess), he thinks that not telling her would be the same as lying.

So I told him he should call me when he’s single and that I’d take him out for a drink.  He actually "called" me when he and his wife decided on a trial separation to see if they could fix things…  if they even wanted to.  I immediately started trying to invite him to Movie Night, mainly because we need more boys.  After several weeks of not being able to make it, this week, he finally did.

When the movie was over, though everyone else headed out, we decided to grab some hot drinks and catch up, since it had really been a long time (almost a year, maybe more than a year) since we really had a change to chat.  It was perfectly platonic, I think we even reigned in the flirtatious instinct that we both have because there was no awkwardness, no tension, nothing other than an "I missed you" friendship being rekindled.

And then he told his wife about it…  and now the separation is official.

Maybe I should have amended the statement, or should amend it for future use.  "Call me when you’re single, or else you’ll wind up single sooner than you thought/wanted."

******

And those are just examples.  Three moments in my recent history that convey a problem I’ve been having for my entire adult life, and then some.

So I’ve determined that I’m cursed.  And, hey, if you’re a married man and you want not to be anymore…  give me a call, I won’t help on purpose, but it might just work out that way.