This is not worth reading. It’s not worth your time and the subject line is VERY accurate. It’s a whole lot of me whining and I seriously considered password protecting it. In the interest of having nothing to hide, I changed my mind on that front, but still, really, don’t bother.
I’ll admit it, I really miss sex.
The problem is that I’ve got this ugly-duckling thing going on. Without sex, my metabolism gets wonky and I can’t shake the fat. I don’t overeat, I’m generally pretty physically active, I eat healthy, non-processed foods and none of it matters because the hormonal issues are what stands in my way.
So I’m fat. And I mean fat. And as much as I’ve tried to take it on myself, as much as I’ve made ridiculous attempts to be even more healthy in my eating habits, the bottom line is that the only thing that’s going to slim me down at this point is sex. And, probably lots of it.
The problem is that I’m so fat that I’m not considered attractive, and I’m a monogamous person, so what I really need is a steady boyfriend. The guys I am attracted to aren’t interested in what I am now… but they would definitely be interested in what I would become several months into a relationship.
It sucks. My doctor doesn’t believe that my weight is out of my control. I feel like I need to bring in notes from the people who have spent the better part of the past decade-plus watching my up and down struggle that was almost entirely hormonal and trying to convince me that I need medical assistance to overcome it. Well, apparently, medical assistance isn’t something that I’ll be able to find. Especially since my doctor is the one who suggested stomach-stapling and, you know what? I’m really not a candidate for that kind of surgery.
I know that there is severe prejudice in this country when it comes to people women who are overweight. Clearly, I must be lazy, and unable to control my eating, and probably I smell bad, and most certainly I’m looking to shift the blame to external factors. Not only do I have to deal with being fat, I also have to deal with the judgment that comes along with it, from people who don’t know me at all and are actually judging my personality even more than my physical appearance.
I think I used to be pretty, but I honestly don’t remember that.
I’ve always had cute down. I am fucking adorable. That’s less of a physical thing and more of a personality issue, so the people who don’t get close enough to see inside miss out on that because they pre-judge the outside.
And you know what the worst part of it all is? I’m not all that uncomfortable with myself, inside or out. I know how to work with what I have and, to some extent, still be sexy inside my fat body. They say that sexiness is all in one’s confidence, and I’m pretty confident most of the time.
Except when I’m not.
Because I’m a whole lot more fragile than I let on and, though I rebuild my confidence on a regular basis, it still gets shattered often enough to be painful. It’s harder each time to get back to actual confidence, as opposed to the confident front that shields the insecurities. And there are a lot of insecurities. More each time that wall comes down again.
What I really need to find is someone who can completely look past what’s on the outside and appreciate me for all the wonderful things I have to offer. I do mean completely, too, because someone who is attracted to fat chicks BBW is going to wind up disappointed when the pounds start falling off as the hormone levels kick back in.
It would be funny if it weren’t so sad, how the "great personality" so often really does mean fat or ugly or some other physical "flaw", and what makes it so pitifully sad is that the great personality is never, never enough. There has to be some larger wow factor, something a little more tangible and I’m clearly missing that part.
You know, I look at my life, which is pretty good, and I take stock.
Pros
I have a pretty good job.
I am good at what I do.
I make enough money.
I like my apartment.
I have a good relationship with my family.
I have friends I can count on.
My overall health is good.
I go out regularly.
I like myself.
Cons
Fat
Lonely
Often battling depression
Do you see it? The thing that I can hear clearly in my mind, but haven’t actually said out loud? That all my major problems could be solved or, at least, tempered by a boyfriend. Wow. For someone who considers herself an independent woman, for someone who refuses to be defined (at least in large degree) by her relationships, the one thing that would solve my biggest, most pressing problems is a man. That knowledge is hard to deal with.
To make things even worse, I don’t know why so many of my friends come to me for advice and/or validation when it comes to relationship issues. Not that my advice is unsound, I do believe it to be valid, but for someone who is desperately lonely, why am I the one to validate the relationships of others?
I mean, just the other day, a friend of mine came to me asking what to do about the fact that she’s all tangled up in a crush on someone she works with. Considering that I have been tangled up in a crush on the same person for several years now, I can’t imagine that I’m a good person to ask about crushes of any sort. The way that I deal with it (whoever, whenever it is) is a Bad Way to Do Things and I find myself actively behaving in ways that are the antithesis of how people generally act toward people they are attracted to. I know enough about body language and subtle signals to both read too much into pretty much everything (both good and bad) and to actively avoid giving myself away.
Instead of flirtily making physical contact, I avoid it. Instead of playing with my hair (or whatever), I remain mostly still. The way to tell if I’m attracted to someone is to note how much more restrained I am than usual. This is not a good way to go about anything and all it really does is to allow me to avoid rejection by never putting myself in that situation.
The worse I feel, the more inclined I am to hide from the things that are necessary to help me feel better.
And, you know, the worst part of the whole thing is that I know what the problems are, I know what the solutions are. I know what I’m doing right and what I’m doing wrong and I KNOW that none of it is going to change anytime soon. I need some kind of external factor to spur me on… that’s the thing I can’t control and I have no idea what it’s supposed to be.