Campfyre Stories

I turned off comments for a reason.  I’m not looking for sympathy or empathy.  I don’t want pity or virtual *hugs*.

I originally sat down to write this a month ago, but reconsidered - several times, in fact. I have since decided that if this is really going to be my journal, it needs to *really* be my journal, and that means the dark stuff, too.  If this can’t be a safe place for me, then I do not have one and that is a frightening concept. 

Feel free…  no, feel encouraged to skip this post.  It was going, initially, to start with, “I fear I am losing my grip on reality.”  Things have changed… 

I am losing my grip on reality.  But at least I haven’t completely lost it yet.

It feels so wrong to be writing this so close to Thanksgiving.  Please don’t get me wrong, I count my blessings on a regular basis and I am very aware (and appreciative) of them all, but I feel like the opposite of what Thanksgiving is supposed to be.

I wish I could chalk it up to the holiday blues, but it’s been going on for longer than “holiday blues” justifies.

I am pretty far from ok these days.  I have been for longer than I think I realize.  I put up a good facade and I think that mostly  nobody sees it.  Probably because I don’t let them. 

My heart aches.  My soul is weary.  I want to cry, but I don’t feel safe enough to actually be able to.  I’m jumpy and nervous all the time.  I didn’t used to be.  I miss not feeling like that.

Details…

I love my work and my chosen career, but my job leaves me dissatisfied.  I am bored.  I took  a paycut that wasn’t too significant, but the cut in hours made it so.  I’m pretty fucked financially and I don’t feel like I have any unexplored options.  My employer has yet to make any sort of commitment to me.  I feel/am disposable.

I am desperately lonely.  I have some GREAT friends who are really there for me and a very supportive family, but it’s just not enough.   I miss having someone to hold and to kiss and to love.  More than I ever thought I would.  What makes it worse is that I *am* in love and I just don’t think he’s there (and I’m scared to death to say or do a thing about it).

I feel like I keep making sacrifices that lead nowhere.  It seems like I’m moving backwards in success.  Not just material success, but in having a successful, happy life.  I don’t know what to change or how.

My anniversary is next week.  It will be 12 years of marriage to the Dragonmaker.  Funny thing, though… it’s been over for 7 of them… and I still bear his name.  More and more it’s like a stone around my neck.

I am not happy with who I am very often these days.  I feel like I’m pretending to be the person I want to be.  It might fool other people, but I know the truth.  There are times when I really *am* that person, but most of the time, I don’t buy it.

I feel broken.  I feel emotionally battered.  I keep trying to keep myself busy and keep my mind occupied, but I am *always* aware of the underlying reality and my unoccupied moments are plagued with it.

I don’t even need to be *happy*  Right now I would settle for ok, or just satisfied.  Even that doesn’t feel attainable right now.

I’m not looking for Happily Ever After.  Believe me, I’m far too jaded to buy into fairy tales.  I wish I still did, though.  Even if things weren’t easier, they were easier to cope with.

I just don’t know what to do, so I hang on with all I have and hide all this stuff from ~everyone~  Sometimes even myself.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this.  The stasis is becoming painful.  I just want to find a way out of this hole and, honestly, I don’t know if anyone takes me seriously enough to offer me a hand… or a ladder.  I don’t know if anyone takes me seriously at all…  ever.  I feel like people think I’m a joke and I’m not really laughing about it anymore.

I’m in the hole…  I have been for a while.  I don’t know how to get out, but it’s really starting… hah!… not starting… it’s really affecting me.

I haven’t told you everything.  There are things left that I’m not ready to fully admit to myself yet, and things I’m not going to say out loud, but that’s the gist of it.

I feel very vulnerable and very helpless.  I am pretty fucking far from ok.

But I’ll get back there.  I always do.  It’s just a matter of figuring out *how*…

~FG };’^<