Campfyre Stories

…like when I try to send hidden messages to people in the hopes of not obsessing only to find myself in a situation even more conducive to obsessive wondering and “what ifs”.  It’s a new year now and I don’t feel like anything has changed for the better.  I’m exhausted all the time from the insane hours I’m working, I’ve confused the hell out of myself by trying to find a little clarity and I’m feeling more and more lonely (romantically?  sexually?) as the days go by.

I want answers to questions that I am afraid to ask in the open.  I want to be brave and bold, but instead cower inside an aloof public persona.  I want this job, but I don’t want to spend quite so long commuting…  so I spend those hours every day daydreaming about things I am too scared to admit to in more than just a cryptic-link message kind of way.

*sigh*

*melodramatic mock faint*

Something is missing.  This much I know.  What is missing, I’m not entirely sure.  I can feel inside of me these gaps begging to be filled, refusing to tell me with what…  probably because I already know and just don’t want to admit to wanting such a thing as I have denied, validly, for some time now.

What to do…  what to do?

I have plans and hopes and pipe dreams and I do feel like I’m working toward them.  These gaps, these plaguing monsters, if these holes were filled, they could keep me from some of the other things that I’m only just now in a position to achieve.  It’s all so hard…  why is it that just when you start to feel like things are moving along the right path, all of a sudden you realize you need something more…  for entirely unrelated reasons.

I just want to get to a space where I no longer have to worry about certain things.  I want to be financially secure…  I don’t need to have a lot of money, just a little more than I need to get by…  that would be nice.  I could get there pretty soon if I keep up these insane hours for long enough  My relationship with my kid is probably better than it’s ever been, and everything is steady and good with the rest of the family.  I am in good health (so far this winter, anyway).  I like where I live (tho a bigger apt on this same block would be nice), love my neighbors, have good friends (when they’re not copping out on me and leaving me to my on accord…

So why the hell, all of a sudden, do I want MORE out of life?  Why, after several years of contentment am I yearning for a change in THAT area?

I don’t like this feeling.  I don’t like this place.  And now that I’m approaching a financial goal, I have to deal with a problem that can only be resolved by the ONE THING that I simply do not have any to spare…

Time.

~FG };^>