I don’t remember if I actually blogged about this when it happened.
Maybe two years ago I was idly conversing with Girl when we started talking about our Lists. All the qualities that we *insist* upon in terms of finding a man. Some of our criteria was the same (has to have a real job, has to have his own place to live), but most of it was personal. After she left from that short visit, I kept thinking about My List and developing it further until I had a comprehensive list of all the things that I NEED from a partner.
Many of the things that went on my List were things that I had learned from previous relationships, the rest were things that I had never really had, but I wonder if the addition of them would have made a difference. To be entirely honest, I think that some of the List items were partially inspired by people I previously had crushes on, embodying those qualities that drew me to them, but in just about every case, something else on the list would rule out those guys and I could quietly start the process of uncrushing.
I finally wound up with some 15ish qualities that I was looking for. I prioritized the list and put it away somewhere (heh, somewhere safe and promptly lost it), feeling fairly certain that I would never find any one person who actually met every single thing on the list.
And then I did. Find him, that is. And even before I realized that he matched ~*every single listed quality*~, I was immediately drawn to him. We just click, you know? And we hang out a little and talk when we can and we BOTH enjoy the interaction.
Then it hit me. Every. Single. Item. THIS, I realized, was the guy that I had dreamed up when I wrote that list. This was the person who could meet all those specific criteria that I could actually define as needs more than wants and, not only that, but there are all these other qualities that I never would have put on a list, but, wow, they sure would be nice to have.
And he’s unavailable to me. For reasons that are distinct enough that I won’t mention them publicly; for all intents and purposes, he is simply not available.
So I am trying to not play the "what if" games, and I am trying not to look for any hint of reciprocity and I am trying to just let it go. I am trying to be amused at the existence of someone I didn’t believe existed and to not be frustrated that, having found out about his existence, he still doesn’t actually exist *for me*. The problem is having made this connection with a List that was created several years ago on a whim, but accurately and thoroughly.
But who knows? Maybe the simple fact that a person who embodies all the qualities that I wished for is enough to lead me to believe that there’s another one out there. All I have to do now is convince myself of it.