This is how we do…
October 10th, 2005Those of you who know me personally know me to be one of the most upfront, honest and blunt people on the planet. If I take exception to something going on, whether it’s an action or a phrase, you can generally count on the idea that I will say something about it. I’m pretty steady and reliable about that sort of the thing, most of the time.
*Most of the time.*
That said, I can be an incredibly subtle person, especially when I don’t want to put someone directly in the spotlight.
As I’ve said before, I have no idea who actually reads this blog. There’s only one person who actually subscribes (see the text box on the right-hand side? putting your email address in that box and submitting it will send you notices when I actually update.) and only about 3-4 people who talk to me about my blog and my entries herein. Factor in the handful of people who comment (at least 3 of whom fall into the other two categories) and that leaves me with knowing only about those who actually *tell me* that they read it (*pointed glance in someone’s general direction*).
I’m also not particularly difficult to decipher most of the time, either. Again, it’s about whether or not you know me personally. I strive to make this entire thing easy enough to follow and read without knowing the key players in any given set of circumstances, but those who know my life and the people in it will often make connections that others simply cannot. A mention of a scene will automatically tie in with a story I told about a specific person, a quirk or defining part of someone will easily lead to “Oh, she’s talking about so-and-so”. That’s fine. I assume that people will do that… so much so that sometimes the connections aren’t quite made, possibly because I am too vague… sometimes, I think, because the communication up to that time simply is not there.
I have personal rules when it comes to my own blogging. I will never intentionally humiliate anyone. IM conversations are off-limits unless I have express written permission. Phone conversations or face-to-face conversations may be paraphrased, but I will make every attempt to mask the identity of the person I was talking to if there’s any chance that they will be embarrassed or somehow disclosed. I am far too loyal a person to hurt someone I care about in a public forum such as this… whether I know they read it or not.
The subtlety that I exhibit tends to manifest most often when it comes to my emotions. I’m a very private person, which many find difficult to believe, simply because, on the surface, I seem to be so open. It takes a lot for me to expose myself to people, and to open myself up to the possibility of being hurt by others. There have been too many cases where I’ve been in that vulnerable state and been taken advantage of, or had certain thoughts or feelings used against me in very hurtful, painful ways.
I strive to not let that happen.
And yet, there are some people who draw it out of me… or, rather, who draw me out of that protective wall. They are few and far between, but once they breech the wall, they move to some inner circle that consists of my family and a very small handful of close friends. 9 times out of 10 it takes years for me to get to that point with someone. There’s an evolution of friendship and trust that eventually turns into a feeling of safety that allows me to consider letting them in. Sometimes there’s an event that prompts it, usually from them letting me in and, without saying it, letting me know that it’s safe to return that courtesy and friendship. I would say that something like this usually happens once every year or two at most.
In this past year, I have let two people in that far.
This is virtually unheard of for me. Not just in my adult life, but in my *entire* life. I learned, very early on, because of my unusual upbringing that getting close to people only ever leads to heartbreak. If I don’t leave, they do. It’s taken me probably 20 years to understand that sometimes you have to take those risks to claim the rewards that are offered, but it still scares me and it still leaves me feeling very vulnerable.
These two people in particular are interesting to me, simply because of how quickly I let them in and how it all came about. First and foremost is support in endeavors that are very important to me. Asking questions, giving feedback and simply being a shoulder to lean on has been a huge step in that, but there’s also little things - events or comments or just those undefinable moments that make one of us say to the other “I understand that. I know you think that no one does or would, but I’ve been there.” Those moments are so incredibly rare and important.
1) You don’t read my blog (at least, you haven’t yet), so I may have to one day say these things out loud, although I know you have told me in the past “You know, Fyre, I really should read your blog one of these days…”
I didn’t want to trust you. I didn’t know that I could. Honestly, from early on, though I was drawn to you, you never struck me as the type of person that would hold a deep secret if it held no meaning to you. You showed me differently, and maybe it took us sharing a secret together, or maybe it took you sharing your secrets with me, but I trust you more than I’ve trusted anyone new in a very long time. You let me cry on your shoulder. You made me feel safe enough to do that… and that’s not something that I feel very often. You are on a very short list of people I feel comfortable enough with to really let my feelings *show*, and you were able to see them cross my face before anyone else did. The best part about that was that it was ok with me that you saw that… simply because it was you.
If you had told me how close I would feel to you now, I wouldn’t have believed it, but you are a very good friend to me, and I hope that I can be as good a friend to you when you need it.
2) You, I know, will actually read this. That makes it harder… almost like saying it right to you, which I would, if I thought that the opportunity would arise.
You are unlike anyone else I’ve known in more ways than I can define. I trusted you very much very early on. Not necessarily with secrets, but with something that I can’t put my finger on… maybe reality… no, not reality… maybe truth? It’s rare for me to find anyone who feels that “safe”, especially so early on, but you took me in and helped me out when I didn’t even know that I was looking for anything and maybe I wasn’t, but it was nice to find regardless.
When I’m around you, I really like who I become. There are some toxic people in this world who make those around them crazy or poisoned. There are very few who can affect others in a positive way. I don’t know what it is, and I think that there’s a good chance that defining it would cause it to lessen, but you affect me… you make me better. That is something so rare that I think I’ve only ever found it once before… but that’s a story for another time. This is about you.
I let you in and you made me cry. That’s something that I have a very hard time forgiving from anyone, but instead of my usual reaction to curl up and hide behind my walls, once we got there I instead made the effort to open the door even further and, this time, really let you in. I cannot put into words how difficult that is for me to do. I only hope that you can understand what that means coming from me, that I went against every deep-seated instinct that I have developed over the years (decades) because that’s what you needed from me.
I think I’ll stop right there because anything more and this will become your personal ego-entry, and this blog is supposed to be about me, dammit.
So this is how we do…
Keeping people masked from anyone who doesn’t know the background. Keeping things in check when too much disclosure might hurt someone I care about. Keeping it vague because I know I’ll remember the details with only a little prompting of the circumstances. Keeping the extent of the emotions under wraps so as not to show vulnerability or weakness to those who may be in a position to use it against me.
This is how we do…
Emotions are personal and need to be evaluated before they can be felt/dealt with. Perceptions of what can be construed as weakness cause me to shut myself off and become very cold. A sheet of ice as a layer of protection to fend off or maybe counteract the warmth that emanates from inside of me, regardless of whether I want it to or not.
This is how we do…
On the internet, they say, you can only get to know someone based on what they show you. I think that in most of my life I’ve always done that. You can’t really know (hurt) me if I only show you what I want you to see. It takes effort for me to provide anything more than that… to anyone. And since people don’t know these things about me, for the most part, they also don’t know how much it means for me to actually let people in, beyond the superficial.
This is how we do.
~FG };^>
