Earlier today I found myself feeling like I was standing on the edge of a precipice. I’m not sure what’s down there, but I’m pretty sure I have to go through it in order to keep moving forward and progressing.
I had a recent catch-up type of conversation with an old friend. She asked me how I was doing and what was going on and all I really had to talk about was my job and my kid. She asked, "but what about YOU?" and I didn’t have an answer to that. Right now I’m pretty well defined by my work and being a mother.
Most years, I have a breakdown on my birthday. This year, I was far too busy to do that, so I’m starting to wonder if it’s just trying to catch up with me now. I really don’t have time to break at the moment and I’m not entirely sure what all it would entail.
I’ve been happy to be as busy as I’ve been and now that work is really starting to take off, I have very little time alone with my thoughts, but it’s still sometimes a little too much. I overthink *everything* and that’s not good for anyone. I question the nice gestures and apparent good intentions of some of the people around me. I can’t help but wonder sometimes whether or not they’re actually genuine and what it is that they want from me. People going out of their way to be nice often leads to a streak of bad events, usually when I let my guard down and start to just accept the kindness.
The people and things that I was questioning a year ago are different from the people and things I am questioning now. If they were the same, I would have very simple answers, but since they’re not, I just have a whole new set of questions and not as many answers from last year as I would have liked.
Birthday week is over. Spawn’s birthday comes in about 3 weeks, then I can take a week or two before I have to start thinking about the holidays. I think this is why I like Spring best of all. Fewer birthdays than any other season for me.